WATERSHED

NEW BLOG LOCATION

2010-12-18T19:27:00.000-08:00

This blog is no longer in use. Somehow the comments and links at the bottom became corrupted.
Please visit http://www.at-the-watershed-blog.blogspot.com/ to find my new location. Thanks!

Edited

2010-12-15T21:10:00.000-08:00

Update from Friday night:
I've played with the blog. I couldn't get it back to normal. But I think everything is still all here - now at the bottom instead of on the left side. Comments should be back to normal. Please write and assure me that I haven't lost my blog community!

Wednesday night:
Ok, we've had a little drama at the watershed blog.
I've lost posts. Most people can't comment. I lost my left side of the screen, blogroll, links, etc. I say "I lost" but really BLOGGER dumped everything. I don't know why or how. And I can't fix it. So I will have to export to another url to save my sanity.

Until then please save up your comments. Because what is a blog without comments??!!!
I hope to have things up and running smoothly by Saturday.

~A

Well THIS day of this year came a little too fast...

2010-12-15T19:17:00.000-08:00

Last year I had an adoption mental health breakdown. Tomorrow is my one year anniversary of that mental break. I wrote this post the day after: http://at-the-watershed.blogspot.com/2009/12/here-is-where-i-confess-lot-of-crappy.html

I keep looking at my birthday (coming up on Saturday) out of the corner of my mind's eye. Twisting and turning it but keeping it at a distance.

I'm so thankful for how quickly the year flew by. That seemingly endless time between my 33rd birthday and being matched with Ariam is a distant memory. The rest of the year from March 1 - current day flashed by.

I'm thankful the pain and longing is far behind me.
But not so thankful to be standing at the edge of my 34th birthday.

I don't have a lot of time to face it, consider it, and come up with something poetic. But I think there is value in considering where to go from here given the information I received last year. Without stopping and evaluating from time to time I can see how life might just take wings and fly by now that Ariam is home.

So. Last year I found out that J and I together are "infertile." Separately possibly not. But together definitively so. And I can't tell you how insulting and irritating I find it when I hear "oh but now that you've adopted you'll definitely get pregnant." Sure, that may happen to some people. But it is not as if there is a magic correspondance between the two.

If we want to get pregnant we have to pay for it. And it is easily as expensive as adopting another child.
I'm not sure what we are going to do. I don't feel any panic at all about it. (Thank God!)
But I do realize that time continues to tick by and that my next birthday will be here before I know it. I don't think we'd try any fertility treatments after I'm 35 or 36.

So what to do? How do you make these decisions? Have any of you tried IVF after adopting?

I can honestly say that I would happily complete our family with another adopted child. It isn't about the child I'm raising. I think for me it is about the experience of pregnancy. It is something I've always wanted. It is something a woman's body is made for. I feel...incomplete? Maybe I won't always feel that way, and I don't feel like I'd be incomplete never raising a bio child. But right now I still have daydreams about that moment of seeing a positive pregnancy test. Of cravings. Of the big annoucement. I have daydreams about holding a teeny tiny newborn.

Sigh. I am plain old too tired to think about this very much or very often. Which may mean I have my answer. Who in her right mind being as tired as I am would enter into invasive, time consuming, exhausting fertility treatment? For now the answer is obvious because we don't have the money. But I think it's something that needs to be settled and either attempted or grieved by this time next year.

The End. No tears. :)
No panic. :)

And now we return to our previously scheduled Christmas glee and yuletide cheer.
This Sunday WE light the Advent candle up front at church. I get a little giddy thinking about it.

WW - Come Hither

2010-12-15T14:54:00.000-08:00

PS. WHERE did the left side of my blog go?? And what happened to comments? Anyone have any ideas for fixing this?

Milo's Story: A Long Journey for a Little Dog

2010-12-03T18:13:00.000-08:00

On February 19th, 2007 I arrived in Bang Niang. A small sandy beach town one hour north of Phuket.
I was excited and nervous and hot. Very very hot. Like 100+ degrees in the shade hot.

I stepped out of my little gold rental car in front of the office and received an overwhelming welcome! 40 pounds of black flying fur, wiggling, waggling, licking and dancing around in front of me. A dog! A shiny black dog with love in his heart.

2007

We made friends instantly. He was a tsunami survivor who had adopted the office and the volunteers and employees it housed two years before I arrived.

I snuck him bites of cake and sausages. I made sure his water bowl was full.

I worried over him and reminded people to feed him.

On night 4 he followed me to a restaurant, across an extremely busy street (I looked away to avoid seeing him smooshed by a truck), and proceeded to charm scraps off of tourists.

MILO. Named by someone for his chocolatey resemblance to the instant Thai coffee drink.

When I left that July Milo was still shiny, happy, playful and if not owned individually, at least well cared for communally. I heard he was still rotating homes for the night depending on who was in town and who was on home leave or vacation.

A year and a half later I happened to see him in a photo on face.book. A thin and scrappy version of himself. It was suspicious to me but I chose to believe that the people he loved and trusted for a span of 4-5 years would continue to take care of him. It was beyond my imagination that when they all left for their various countries and closed the office doors, they would just leave Milo sitting alone outside.

I am embarrassed to say that another year passed. I saw another photo of Milo on facebook.

Now a shell of his former self. Eaten by mange, tail drooping, gray faced, homeless, ribs poking through dehydrated skin.

The details are massive. Saving Milo was a process that lasted from January - September 2010.

I put myself at odds with former officemates over this. But I simply don’t care. A dog is a pet. A dog is not a wild animal who can be cared for and made dependent and then left to his own devices on the street. A dog does not “like to roam” never knowing where his next meal might come from. Never experiencing a loving stroke from an owner. Slinking from shade tree to shade tree. Painfully pulling his wasted body to the scarce puddles on the side of the road.
I called Soi Dog Foundation last January and they picked Milo up outside his former "home." Long ago closed up and fenced off to house a daycare. The photo below breaks my heart. For almost five years this was a safe place for Milo. A covered porch to shelter him from rain or sun. A bowl of fresh water. A driveway of cars filled with friends to bring him food and affection.

Milo’s story is one that has a very painful middle but a happy ending. One story for all of the millions of heartbreaking dog stories in tourist destinations all over developing countries. Stray puppy is born because careless owners did not spay and neuter. Puppy’s mom is hit by car. Puppy finds high season long-term tourist to beg from and becomes accustomed to being “owned.” Tourist leaves eventually. Puppy/dog has no survival skills. Rainy season sets in. Dog becomes covered in mange. Dog either dies a slow painful death from skin disease and hunger or is hit by a car and left for dead in the road.

Milo somehow survived these cycles. Barely.

On top of the mange and dehydration, Milo was suffering from liver damage. (Caused by the questionable things he was eating to try and fill his belly.)
But....
Milo's story just came to a close!! His family found him!

Rob and Sandra were Milo’s first best friends. Tsunami volunteers who knew Milo for a full year before I ever even arrived in Bang Niang. They too had assumed that years later, when the office closed, someone would take him or arrange a home for him.

This fall Milo took a big journey. The biggest of his life. He moved to England to live with his family. To stroll the country lanes, chase balls on the beach, and monitor sheep.

It didn't take long for him to learn about the couch and adapt to a family life. The wonder of walking with your pack. The soothing peace of regular meals. He is finally what he was meant to be – a pet. Somebody’s beloved pet. A pet who is once again young and glossy and full of life. He KNOWS he is a pet and he waits diligently by his garden gate to watch whenever anyone goes out.

I played a part in this story. But so did others. First a wonderful Thai woman who cared for Milo for his first few years and then Soi Dog Foundation who looked beyond the fact that Milo was “just a dog” and cared enough to get involved. Finally Rob and Sandra who spent a lot of time and money to get Milo home.

You can adopt an animal to almost any country in the world. Bringing an animal home to the U.S. is the easiest scenario. Island nations like the UK are harder, but it can be done. Please don't travel to another country, earn the love and trust of an animal, only to leave him/her to a slow and painful death on the street.
If you are in Thailand and need help getting your pet home you can contact Soi Dog Foundation.

~A

For Rob and Sandra. Thank you. I wasn't sure I'd see a happy ending. Thank you for being wonderful human beings. Milo deserves you and you deserve him. You restored my faith.

Real Life Seriously Impeding Blog Life

2010-12-03T12:37:00.001-08:00

Dear House, Leaves, Groceries, Husband, Child, Career, Facebook, Friends, Dexter on Net.flix, Sleep, Dogs, Weather, and Holiday Cheer:

You are seriously getting in the way.

I mean, how am I supposed to blog when I have to pay attention to all of you all the freakin time?

If you really loved me you would let me lounge on my couch, under the good blanket (you know, the one fresh out of the warm dryer - that someone else washed and lovingly tucked over me), with a bag of gummy bears (Haribo please), Gilmore Girls lightly tuned in in the background, with a warm toasty fire roaring. Blogging of course.

How is it that you are keeping me so busy that holidays just fly by without even a single blog mention?

Don't you know that I have a load of photos to post?

A hair product (tangle teaser) to review?

A winter vacation to mull over?

Daycare updates to write?

Deep thoughts on national adoption month, race, and AIDS that must be shared?

Have you forgotten that Bridget is waiting for her "what not to do during the last days of your wait" post? It is written on the backs of business cards for goodness sake. I need those cards out of my wallet and off of my mind!

Don't you remember what bad shape I was in this time last year? That absolutely must be blogged about, sniffled over, held close, coddled and released before my 34th birthday and Christmas come swooping in together.

I'll have you know that my bloggy relationships are being strained. YES, strained.

Let me know when you come up with a solution.

Until then I am on strike.
~A

6 Months

2010-11-24T15:21:00.000-08:00
Thanksgiving as a holiday is drawing near, but thanksgiving as a way of life is 6 months old!

December 1st is the 6 month anniversary of the day we became a family.

We celebrated with a post-placement visit from our social worker yesterday. She asked me whether or not we still "check in" with each other on our little check list of attachment questions. You know what I mean, whether you ask them out loud or just internally, I think most adoptive parents run through the little list early on:

"Do I love her yet?"
"Do I think she loves me?"
"Would I give my life for her?"
"WHO is she?"
"Does it feel like she's been with us forever?"
"How would I feel if she suddenly were no longer here?"
"Do I long for how it used to be?"
"Will life ever feel normal again?"

Ok, is it just me?
Well, if it is, that's fine. I can be honest. These were the questions we asked ourselves and each other a lot in the first few weeks. It's an odd feeling when you get home (I think particularly if this is your first child) - to be floating on a cloud of thrill and relief, celebrating externally, dizzy with exhaustion and semi-paralyzed with doubt internally.

SIX MONTHS though. Things have changed. Things have stabilized. I can't remember the last time we asked any of the questions above. A new normal has solidified. A dorky, cheesy, straight from the sitcoms storyline. You know the one: new parents, drunk on love for their child, never go out on a date. When they finally get alone outside the house all they can do is talk about the baby. Her sparkly eyes! Her new way of turning her chin up and looking down on her subjects like a queen! Her newest word! How much she ate that night. Was it enough? Could she be hungry and need us to come home early? Was her forehead slightly warm? Should we be washing her hands more often? On and on and on. Until date is done and we rush back to stand over her crib and stroke her little sleeping face.

Yes, we can both remember the good old days (grocery shopping at midnight, sleeping in until 10am, staying out past 6:30pm, spontaneous date nights) but we'd never want to go back to being just two. What did we TALK about back then??!! ;)

I am so thankful for a holiday season filled with this little face. A face I can't fathom living without.

~A

HAPPY

2010-11-18T18:07:00.000-08:00

Holidays are approaching.

I've been thinking a lot about last year. I wrote this post, so sure that we were almost at the finish line.

It seemed to kick off a very difficult 3.5 more months of waiting and began the season of angst and ugly crying instead of yuletide cheer.

I know it's a little morbid, but I like to go back and revisit those days in my memory.

Such a different place now.

Happy.
~A

A New Day

2010-11-15T09:48:00.000-08:00

Today is Ariam's first day at the shiny bright dream daycare. The one with the Chinese lanterns.

I cannot say that I've been feeling completely settled about the decision to move her.

But this morning we arrived and they had a "Welcome Ariam" sign on the toddler room door. As we walked into the main reception area everyone came out to say hi and make a fuss. Ari was so very pleased with herself and her grand reception. She granted many smiles and kisses. When we went into the toddler room she noticed the play kitchen immediately, made a beeline to it, and was still there when I said goodbye half an hour later.

She's such a big girl these days. It's hard. I wish I could keep her little forever. And yet I love to see her growing into such a happy sparkling little toddler. (Lately Ariam has been saying "happy" or "happy baby" when she's in a good mood.) :)

The new daycare has an online video camera. I'm about to log on and see what she's up to before I get down to work.div>

~A

Releasing the past: Washington DC - Part II

2010-11-08T18:31:00.000-08:00
Moving forward requires that we loosen our hold on the past.

Two years ago when J lost his job we left behind our home, our friends, and our city.

Starting over but never really putting the past behind us.

In September we finally went back together.
We said goodbye to a house that is no longer our home on a street that is no longer our neighborhood.

We said goodbye to Congressional Cemetery - no longer our daily walk.

We said goodbye to the monuments that were our landmarks each time we flew home.

We ate with our old neighbors,

in a yard surrounded by a fence that J built one hot summer.

During dinner I looked up at our old back window bathed now in a baby's night light glow. The window that would have been our nursery.

And we walked our city of memories, reliving the night we rode our bikes to the Lincoln Memorial and sat on its ledge watching a lightning storm.

We reminisced about our 9th anniversary kayak trip on the Potomac.

We laughed at the spot we once witnessed a huge Segway tour tourist collision in front of the Whitehouse.

We strolled through the Renway to pay homage to Wendell Castle's Ghost Clock. The one that tricked me the first time I saw it.

We rolled our eyes over the traffic between Union Station and Dupont Circle on a Friday night.
We inhaled the familiar scent of the Metro and the watched the reflecting pool.

We dunked Ariam's feet in the fountain in the park next to the Capitol where our dogs swam and where we hid Easter Eggs one fabulous Sunday.

We rode the carousel. The one I avoided looking at for many years.

There have been days of doubt. Days when I longed for the sanctuary of my bedroom there. Days when regret for things we had no power to change was so sharp I could almost taste it. Days of homesickness and sadness.

One week after we returned from DC we bought a home here. It is not as big. It is not in the heart of importance. It does not come with a DC price tag or hold a prestigious location.

But it is real. It is ours. It is the home we should have started with in the first place. We are working a bit backwards but it is moving us forward.

We are starting over.
It is still painful but every day less so.

Some days I am amazed at how quickly we expect an adopted child to loosen her hold on the past and move forward. I have measured her transition in days and weeks and months while giving myself years. Amazed at how I lost a home and still mope and whine about it while my child lost everything she was born with and somehow is this brilliant happy being. Learning a lot from my 16 month old.
~A

The Controversial and the Mundane

2010-11-04T14:04:00.001-07:00
I find it interesting how something as mundane as choosing a costume for your child's first Halloween can actually be controversial.

I've been following a blog. I'm choosing not to link to it here and actually it isn't under the list of blogs I follow which is a good thing because my purpose isn't to send you all flocking over to it.

I don't know the author of the blog but have enjoyed her sweet accounts of her newly adopted Ethiopian child who has been home just about a month.

Now normally I do not get wrapped up in blog or facebook controversy. I don't have much time or interest in writing detailed comments or stirring up arguments. And I rarely if ever feel offended by a mundane adoption blog.

But, well I'm not sure how to ease into this so I'll just say it.
The author/mother PUT HER SMALL ETHIOPIAN CHILD IN A MONKEY COSTUME FOR HALLOWEEN.

How do you feel about this?
Am I wrong in assuming that the vast vast majority of us know and understand that black (and I use that adjective broadly to describe both African Americans and people of color from and still living in the Caribbean and Africa) do not like to be described as monkeys, not even as a form of endearment?

I will admit that prior to becoming the mother of a black child many of the issues surrounding racial stereotyping were simply not part of my world. And I am sorry about that. Because I lived in Washington, DC and worked and socialized and went to school with a lot of black friends. Many of whom I probably offended in one way or another over time. I thought that it was ok in general to be ignorant as long as I wasn't being offensive ON PURPOSE.

Wrong. Dead wrong. Shamefully wrong. It is not ok to be ignorant. And it is doubly not ok to be ignorant when you are parenting a child of another race.

The blog author/mother was ignorant. And that happens. And I would give her a huge pass for not having done a bit more reading on race and identity and racism in the U.S. except for one fact. She was educated by a black commenter (and very sensitively and kindly I might add), re-educated by several more commenters who said they were close friends, and she still chose to post a final comment stating that she would consider the points of view shared but would not go as far as to stop calling the child a monkey or give away the child's monkey themed clothing received as presents. Because "clothes are expensive."

You know what else is expensive? Repairing damage.
It is emotionally expensive to repair the damage we do to the image of white parents parenting black children. It is emotionally expensive to explain to your adult black man of a son why childhood photos show that you dressed him like this despite being provided with the tools you needed to understand why it was not ok. Expensive folks. We are talking hard stuff here.

Because the argument that racism and stereotyping and slavery and racial divides and inequality are somehow in the past is not an argument that can hold up anywhere outside of white society. We are white. We are not.black. But our children are. And that is so very loaded and important and full of implications for how we choose to live our lives.

So I posted a comment. I gave her an out. I recommended she do some reading. I fully expected to see that she would come back a bit humbled, accept that she had made a mistake, and would be glad to have found out early in her parenting so that next year she can buy a giraffe costume.

It didn't turn out that way. And she obviously doesn't want more comments. So I am turning to my only other outlet - my own blog.

I just keep thinking this. What if a black parent were calling her white child "cracker" as a term of endearment? Because she enjoys eating crackers of course. What if she went on to dress said adopted white child as a big white Saltine for Halloween? Um. Wouldn't we all have a bit of a problem with this? Maybe not if it were a white mother and white child. But there is something about transracial adoption that changes things doesn't it? The historic power differential and racial tension between black and white in the United States. It may be old news to some but it is very real and still very close to the surface when we are talking about labels and words.

Hello people? Let's just accept that we don't know it all and humbly thank our readers when they point us on the right track. I think paying attention to black friends and commenters is especially important. Run a little litumus test. Before you dress your child of another race in a costume for Halloween just first consider what your best girlfriend of that same race might say.

Oh, what? You don't have a girlfriend of another race?
Maybe that is the problem.
And I don't say that to be snarky. I think a lot of us have a long way to go before we could consider ourselves beyond just "racially sensitive" (nice term for I know it's wrong to call a black person the n word but not much else) and get to "fully functioning white mother who knows exactly how to raise a black child so that he/she can function as a member of black society without confusion, shame, self-doubt or embarrassment."

Feel free to leave comments but if you say to me that "all that matters is what is on the inside. Or, as long as your intentions are good" you know I will laugh you right off my blog. My fifth grade teacher said it best when he told us "close is only good in horse shoes."

We have to get it right, not close, when it is our child at stake.

~A

Urgent Advice Needed

2010-10-26T09:41:00.000-07:00
From those of you who read blogs during the workday! (Shame on you!)

On the mornings that Ariam attends daycare we have to drive right past the dream daycare on the way to her average daycare. Each day I attempt to avert my eyes but the pull of the Chinese lanterns hanging in the giant front windows of the toddler room force me to slow down and drool a bit.

This place is located in a perfect position for the winter sun which cascades down over the little outdoor playground and twinkles off the windows.

I see happy parents entering with clean shiny little ones and exiting with giant gourmet coffee cups from the coffee station next to the front door.

We slow, I drool, I sigh, and we drive 5 blocks further to the windowless brick church where I haul my little one in and leave her crying.

This morning returned to a message from the dream daycare. They have an opening two days/week and want to invite Ariam off of the waitlist!!!
I am not too proud to admit that I did call them (and possibly sent an email or two) begging them to let her in. I may have also played the adoption card a bit calling all other daycares in our neighborhood "tiny orphanages."

So they want her. And us. And this is huge because originally they told us the waitlist didn't have an opening until March.

But I need some advice.
Friday will mark two weeks at the average daycare. She's just started to settle in and sleep for two full hours there during naptime. She obviously likes Miss Maria. She definitely cries when I drop her off, but I sense that it doesn't last long. Yesterday when I picked her up she was walking in from the playground like a little duck in her row of 3 other classmates.

Is another change too much?
The new daycare costs more. Am I paying for fluff or is it worth the money to fulfill a good gut instinct?
I certainly don't think the average daycare is hurting her, but I would like to see how her day is going by checking the video camera online sometimes...

I feel like a bad mom these days. I'm hauling my kid around to have other people take care of her. I'm moving her whole little world over to a new house this weekend. When I do have her I'm packing and cleaning and not giving her enough attention. She's such a resilient little trooper full of kisses and goodwill. But how far can you push a toddler until you ruin her??
~A

How is daycare going?

2010-10-24T19:44:00.000-07:00
It's too soon to tell.

I really appreciated everyone's thoughtful advice here on the blog. We could not hire a babysitter or nanny because we're in the middle of a move and don't have room at the house. And because I work from home I really need Ari OUT of the house a few days/week. She has a special trick of pounding on my office door if it is closed and I'm on a conference call while J watches her. This did not bode well for bringing in outside help.

I think an in-home daycare would have been a nice option but did not have the time to seek one out via churches, mom's groups, etc. When our nanny share fell through I really only had a week to make a decision.

We chose a daycare from the 6 options we toured with immediate openings, but we're still on the waitlist for our favorite that didn't have an opening.

The last 9 days have been a test run. J took Ariam on a Friday and spent 2 hours with her in the classroom. She did great and didn't mind when he stepped out for a few minutes to make a call.

Then she went for a half day last Monday and was SO excited to arrive, get settled in with the other 3 toddlers in her class, she barely even gave me the time of day for a kiss goodbye.

Because we closed on a house on Friday and are in the middle of a big move, she went to the daycare all day on Thursday and Friday. Possibly a bad move. We got a bit over eager. She is wonderful to be with. But impossible to drag along to meetings with realtors and lenders.

Both Thursday and Friday she was fairly excited to arrive. Not happy to say goodbye. (Tears.) And generally droopy by pick up time 8 hours later. I think an 8 hour day outside of the house is really hard on her. So I think this week we will cut back to three 6 hour days.

Daycare Pros:

- I have 3 days/week to work, uninterrupted

- Ratio is 1 teacher/4 toddlers

- Toddler room is filled with great toys that I know she loves (like a tunnel with balls and a little table with toddler sized chairs!) but doesn't have at home

- Cook will make substitutes just for Ariam on ham or beef menu days

- Drop off is flexible, she doesn't have to be checked in until 9:30am if we are running late and I can pick her up any time in the afternoon

- Round-trip with drive and drop off is 15 minutes

- Ms. Maria, the teacher, oozes love and kindness and patience and has 20 years experience

- Ariam very obviously loves Ms. Maria already

Daycare Cons:

- Ariam very obviously loves Ms. Maria already

- Ariam very obviously has a daycare cold and runny nose already

- A full day out of the house is A LOT of time away and is very tiring for a toddler

- Ms. Maria is almost fully spanish speaking which I have decided is not a problem at all for Ariam but is a little awkward for J when he does pick up and wants to know about her day

- The crying thing. I don't like handing her over crying and I don't like to see her crying at pick up. And I'm just not sure this can easily be solved because everyone tells me that kids sometimes cry during transitions. But I don't like it.

In other news, Ariam won her first Halloween costume contest. Of course. (With her looks and my competetive spirit I really didn't doubt it.)

My little owl kicked butt in the contest and waddled away with a T.arget gift card. :)

~A

Move over Carol's Daughter!

2010-10-23T17:57:00.000-07:00

After my last hair post I spent some time on natural hair care websites and emailing with some girlfriends who know what they are doing with hair.

The conclusion I came to is that Carol's Daughter products are just too harsh on Ariam's hair. So we returned everything (except for our Mimosa Hair Honey) to S.ephora. They were incredible about taking it all back, no questions asked.

I found very positive Alaffia reviews on Happy Girl Hair and other blogs and bought it at my local organic grocery store. We are trying out a whole new hair routine and it is working wonders!

1. Wash with Alaffia shampoo and conditioner once/week

2. In mid-week we do a co-wash (that means we just wash and rinse with conditioner, no 'poo)

3. After a wash or co-wash I add Alaffia hair lotion and use it as a detangler, then I add a pea size amount of Mimosa Hair Honey and run it through her hair with my fingers (it defines the curls)

4. Daily I wet Ariam's hair with a spray bottle and add just a dime size of Alaffia hair lotion, rubbing it in all over her head and finger detangling and fluffing

5. Twice/week I put her in the highchair in front of Baby Einstein's sign language video, wet down the hair, part it into several parts pulled back with clips, rub a little mix of pure aloe vera and coconut or jojoba into her scalp, and put pure coconut oil in her hair (I do this the day of her hair wash to make sure her scalp doesn't get dry and also the day before her mid-week cowash.)

That's it!

Also I have mastered a good center part for double puffs, the single puff with a ribbon, and am now moving on to tiny puffs in the back of her hair.

Tonight Ariam and I attended our trans-racial adoption group dinner. The hostess brought in an African American hair stylist who specializes in children's natural hair. She gave us an individual consultation and proclaimed Ariam's hair "very healthy and soft!" She gave us a VERY wide tooth comb and told me to wet the hair daily and detangle when I add the hair lotion or leave-in. I had not been detangling well enough which is why the tiny knots were forming. But to be honest, as soon as we stopped using Carol's Daughter products and changed to Alaffia the knots disappeared anyway. I haven't had a knot or a breakage in two weeks.

We're feeling very confident now in our hair routine. There are still several products out there that I'd like to try including Darcy Botanicals Hair Jelly and Aubrey Organics conditioner. But the hair is looking much healthier and is starting to grow.

Thanks for all of your comments and emails!

~A

Beauty for Ashes, Strength for Fear

2010-10-18T19:13:00.000-07:00
She doesn't wave her fingers in front of her eyes anymore.

Sounds like such a small thing in the long list of changes: walking, laughing, using a fork, sign language, sharing instead of hitting, sleeping through the night, kissing...

But it is my favorite change.

Every nap and every night for many many weeks Ariam waved her hands over her face, wiggling her fingers and bringing them close and then far. Close and far. She looked at her hands instead of my eyes until sleep came. It twists my heart and makes me short of breath to imagine how, when and why she began doing this.

When babies don't have the loving touch of a parent to soothe them they find other things to help. Head rolling, self rocking, hand waving...

Tonight I was running through the list of "reasons why Ariam is ok and ready for daycare" when she reached up and set her palm on the bare skin of my neck. She loves close touch and those 30 minutes of rocking and snuggling before bed. Where there was once a protective shell all around her and fear in her heart, now nothing separates us. She sees me and I am enough for her. No hand and finger waving needed.

He gives us beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

(Ears pierced)
~A

See something different?

2010-10-16T18:20:00.000-07:00

(Wearing shades helps her keep a low profile.)

~A

Q: What is more emotionally draining than the adoption process?

2010-10-14T18:43:00.000-07:00
A: The search for child care.

After the nanny debacle yesterday I had to have a very painful phone conversation with the other mother. (She's employed this nanny for a year to watch her sweetheart of a daughter.) I had to tell her about the lack of eye contact, the lack of touch, the disinterest in either child. I was shaking during the call and realized that if I were her hearing these things I'd be falling apart.

Today we visited four daycares with immediate openings.
(We visited 2 last week and 1 earlier this week. All three had waiting lists and we put ourselves on our favorite which was absolutely amazing and probably won't have an opening until spring.)

Two of the four today had really negative reviews online but had immediate openings. Of course.

I went into the daycare visits this afternoon with a huge lump in my throat. Fear. Anxiety. Sadness. Stress about the time away from work. Concern over the reviews.

Guilt.

I was tongue-tied and barely functional. We did a lot of standing around staring and looking like we were attending a funeral.

More draining than waiting for Ariam has been this realization that life cannot move forward unless we remove her from the house for 20 hours each week. How is it that after all that waiting and longing now we have to put her away from us and be apart? It breaks my heart. But it will break us, literally, if we don't do it...

Ok, the daycare visits.

Two of the four smelled bad. Like cafeteria food and old poop.
One had a room filled with little jail cribs, like an Eastern European orphanage.
None of the caregivers spoke much English. I am a huge fan of children learning Spanish at a very early age. But Ariam needs to hear and process English. She's just now beginning to babble and trying to say a few words. Not sure now is the time to introduce a (third!) language.

I felt like all of the children we saw were blank and bored and moving in slow motion.
At one of the daycares, within the 10 minutes we were there, Ariam got her finger stuck in a faulty toy and fell off of a broken scooter.

How can parents send their children to these places for 50 hours/week? How does this childcare thing WORK?!!! Please tell me if you have the answer. Because I can't do it. I can't leave her somewhere unsafe, icky smelling, dirty, with people who seem bored. And why do all of them serve disgusting things like pork meatloaf?? (No offense meat eaters but we really don't eat much meat.)

Oh my goodness. I can FEEL the panic rising. Never had a panic attack. Pretty sure the first one is going to be on Ariam's first day of daycare. Or it may be tonight while we discuss the options.

~A

When it rains it pours

2010-10-13T19:59:00.000-07:00
So true.

We are having a very hard week.

First I got sick over the weekend. At first I thought it was allergies so I really didn't rest like I should have. Then by Sunday night I was feverish, coughing, sore throat miserable.

Second, J got a new job. Which should be a great thing since he hasn't been working much this summer. But to be honest I've gotten very used to having him at home. He's done at least half of Ariam's care and because of that I've been able to work in August and September.

Third, we are buying a house. We close on Monday. The paperwork, the inspection follow up, the money, the packing. It is just a giant overwhelming mess. We aren't moving in immediately after closing but I almost wish we were. Instead we are dragging it out to the end of the month so J can spend every evening working on the house - painting, fixing, etc. That means I will not have him during the day OR during the evenings.

Fourth, we thought we had a nanny-share lined up for Ariam. After a lot of consideration we decided not to hire an Ethiopan nanny for now (a. we have a small house and it's easier for me to concentrate if Ariam is out of the house and b. we were worried a bit about all that we'd have to work through to teach the nanny how we do things.) So we agreed to be the second family in a 2 family nanny share starting Monday. Today I went on a play date with the nanny and the other child and walked away without childcare.
1. The nanny didn't look Ariam in the eye or even touch her during the whole play date.
2. The nanny told me that the other child's favorite activity is "tv."
3. The nanny didn't speak enthusiastically to either child, engage them in any way, or help them play on any of the playground equipment.
4. When I asked the nanny how she planned to handle two active toddlers at the park alone she said "I don't know."

I walked away with a huge pit in my stomach. Had a small freak out at home. And ultimately called the other family and told them what happened and that we were backing out. Honestly? A nanny, no matter how she is with the kids, should be ON HER GAME in front of the parents. Isn't that rule #1??

HEAVY SIGH.

We are on a waiting list for the most lovely daycare near the house. It has Chinese lanterns, and fresh coffee, and singing time, and fish, and organic snacks and video cameras in every room so we can watch Ariam. But it is impossible to say when we'll get off the wait list.

We've toured and said no to three other daycares. Now, following Nannygate 2010, we are visiting two more daycares tomorrow. Both have openings but both have at least one negative review online.

At this point Ariam is going insane in our house filled with boxes. I am going crazy trying to get even the smallest things done for work and am driving my coworkers crazy by not being responsive enough. Jeremy starts his job on Monday and is way over his head in packing, filling holes in our rental walls (from pictures, not from punching). I am still feeling under the weather. And we aren't sure if we are definitely closing on Monday or not.

All in one week. It's a lot to get a handle on. We need a third person in this marriage. Like a sex-less sister wife or something.

~A

Washington DC - Part I

2010-10-10T19:36:00.000-07:00

Six years ago, on a chilly fall evening in Washington DC, I entered my first graduate seminar.
And met this amazing woman who had just arrived in the U.S.

Was it really only 6 years ago? It feels like a lifetime...

She cried during her introduction. She made me cry. I knew we would be good friends.

Ana has been my role model for parenting. She celebrates her children every day. She teaches and loves and cheers them on. I can already see the strong and brave men they will be - because of her.
As Americans, we find that we have few friends we would be comfortable descending on for a full week - taking over their basement, demanding to be fed and wined, and letting loose our toddler throughout their beautiful home. It's a good thing we know some Colombians!! :)
Holding Hands (notice who is happy in this photo and who is skeptical...)

She must have known this was coming next! Pablo is our little latin lover.

It's so hard to say goodbye.
And just a gratuitously cute photo of Ari and her "purse."
~A

Secret Adoptive Mother Behavior

2010-10-07T14:42:00.000-07:00
From the Urban Dictionary: "Secret Single Behavior." A term originating from the television show Sex and the City, a SSB is an action or habit that one indulges in only when alone. This refers especially to behavior that is hidden from one's significant other and could be potentially embarrassing if discovered.

I am going to propose “secret adoptive mother behavior” to describe what has been taking place on my computer in the last few weeks. (Note that J does not read the blog.)

Background to Secret Adoptive Mother Behavior: SAMB

- Love for the new little in the house creates urges to provide said little with sibling she can love and play with and bond to for all time
- Intense sadness over new little’s previous life while she waited for us to come creates contemplation over the world of little ones waiting
- Attendance at adoption related conference introduces adoptive mother to like-minded women, thus creating pack mentality that more children is better than less

This leads to the Behavior:

- A peek, innocent enough, at a few websites
- A longer than what could be described as nonchalant glancing through waiting child photos on a specific site
- Several returns to the site over a few weeks, followed by ever increasing daily returns to the site to view one or two favorites
- Casual mentions to husband about the state of Eastern European orphanages, special needs, and the terrible system of transferring kids to permanent large scale institutions around age five
- Add to above the reading aloud of passages from the book Boy From Baby House 10
- Feigned surprise when “casually” stumbling across child who resembles J on aforementioned website with child photos “Oh my! Doesn’t this child look just like you? Poor thing will probably never experience life in a family….”

Ariam has been with us for four months. It feels like a lifetime. The longing for the past and the easy life has gone. Replaced with daily joy and a certainty that we were meant to be family. (“Meant” strictly in the sense that when Ariam’s birth parents were no longer her option A – WE were meant to be option B. No doubt about it.)

We have a conversation that is so painful to think about, we just keep it very short. It revolves around what ifs. What if I hadn’t ordered the WACAP waiting child DVD “just to look”? What if things had worked out with T? What if we hadn’t switched agencies when we did? What if I hadn’t visited AHOPE on my first trip to Ethiopia? What if we hadn’t been fourth on the waiting list when our dossier was sent? What if she were never ours?

All of the above feel totally and completely unacceptable.

And so now that the SAMB has started up again (last seen February – April 2009), I am even more cognizant of the reality the behavior lead to. And wondering…what if someone is out there waiting for us?

~A

Wordless Wednesday Hair Puffs

2010-09-29T18:39:00.000-07:00

New Blog Design

2010-09-26T22:20:00.000-07:00
Wow, I just managed to lose 3 hours to redesigning the blog and it isn't even as impressive as blogs I admire. I think I'm giving it a rest for awhile though.

Next step is to figure out how to use photobucket so my photos will be larger and more impressive. What's the point of taking great photos if they look small and pitiful?

Now I need your photobucket or photo enlarging advice in addition to hair advice!
~A

Hair. Am I overthinking it?

2010-09-24T21:27:00.000-07:00
Baby girl has lovely hair. Let's begin with that statement and work backwards.

For three months exactly I pored over 127 photos of Ariam and her hair asking myself these questions: is it spiraly? is it more puffy? is it going to grow out or will it grow down at some point? Is it a 3c or 4a or 4 b or 4 c? (She is type 4a.) Is it an L, O, I or S? (She's an O.)

Oh the hair obsession. It was something to focus my energy on.

I devoured Happy Girl Hair (although realized that without a child in front of me all lessons learned on that site were unabsorbed - had to go back and reread after Ari came home.)

I tentatively bought a couple of products to bring to Ethiopia with me but neglected to bring a comb or detangler for the 19 days we would be with her.

Headbands were practically purchased en masse.

In my daydreams I could braid and cornrow and create puffs by just watching one quick video online. In those daydreams I had a very still and very cooperative toddler. Hah!

We met Ariam. The days that we visited her at her orphanage she had very puffy combed out hair that was hard to assess. It was soft like a cloud. Immediately after her bath that soft puff coiled up on itself, began to knot and formed tiny pencil eraser coils. I sent off a panicked email requesting advice on detangling and that's when I found out that you actually need to have a comb and detangler (thick conditioner with slip to it) to detangle. Huh!

We have taken a hair journey. It's a journey we will be on for many many years together and one that I take very seriously. While hair doesn't define a person, it frames us for first impressions. So it's important.

I basically stalk blogs just looking for posts on hair so I can check and double check on our technique vs. other's techniques. So for those of you waiting for the hair details here they are:

We buy all Carol's Daughter. Because they sell it at Sephora. (Hi CD and Sephora - please send me some free products!) I would try other products and have even marked websites with things I want to order but when it comes down to it I want to be able to go to an actual store to sniff the products and put my fingers in them.

So - Carol's Daughter. But we never use Tui scented anything. It smells too grown up to me. Like my baby is going to head out on a date or something. Or like she's spending her days in my freshman year dorm room over enjoying the patchouli candle.

Every 3-4 days:
1. Bath (she likes this) without soap. J is perpelexed by this given his fetish for antibacterial anything. But her skin can't handle even mild baby soap without drying out. We're sort of playing around with oatmeal baths at this point which makes J crazy with worry over the idea of oatmeal stuck in her nether regions.

2. Wet down her hair in the bath (she hates this)

3. Wash and rinse with Head and Shoulders shampoo (yes, um, remember the trip to Children's Hospital we took on Monday because I was sure she had a scalp fungal infection? Dandruff. Oh yes, my baby has DANDRUFF. And it is U.G.L.Y. Please don't judge. I tried so so very hard and really things were looking so good for awhile.)

4. Giant glop of Carol's Daughter Black Vanilla smoothie conditioner (rub through hair and scalp, evenly distribute, finger detangle)

5. Scream for J to get his butt in the bathroom and hold down our daughter's squiggling screaming behind

6. Leave on for 5, then rinse well

7. NO TOWEL DRYING - leave hair to airdry in natural curl pattern

8. Spray with mix of water/Black Vanilla detangler AND then add another leave in conditioner (I have a couple of random samples of things I try or use Carol's Daughter hair milk)

9. Comb through hair while holding sections at the root and just combing ends, when detangled sort of fluff out with fingers

10. THIS IS THE BIG ONE Add pea sized amount of Carol's Daughter Mimosa Hair Honey
For me this has been a game changer. After I rub this through her hair the curls stay coily and shiny for at least 2 days without turning to fuzzy cloud fluff. Sometimes I wrap a few coils around my fingers and stretch them out to add depth and definition.

I never scrunch the hair or pull it. I never comb it when it's dry. I regularly trap her and gently rub in random things like shea butter, jojoba oil, or coconut oil when I see the hair looking or feeling brittle (usually after nap time.) I am sure there is a theory behind this and actual technique for adding oil to seal moisture. Need to look into that.

Whew. That's it. Well, plus a steroid ointment we have to put on her scalp until the dandruff chunks leave (almost gone!) and I left out the part where we have to rub 2 different kinds of steriod ointments on her neck and leg eczema. Add in a lot of wiggling, protesting and naked dashes through the house and you have the whole picture.

Some of the problems we've experienced and how we handled them:

1. Lack of definition to curls (see pool photo in my post below) has been mostly solved with the Mimosa Hair honey after the bath. To reactivate the curls the next day I just lightly fluff everything at the root with a wide tooth comb or my fingers spread apart, spritz with water/detangler combo and rub in a quarter sized glop of Hair Milk. Seems to do the trick.

2. Greasiness! A huge problem in the early days when I just kept dumping more and more product on the lack of definition. Some days her hair looked wet all day. Oops. Resolved by more/better product after hair washes but less on a daily morning basis.

3. Dandruff. Well apparently drug store shampoo is the answer.

4. Breakage. We are dealing with that now. When she wakes up we'll find on average two clumps of curls that stick out from the rest and can be gently pulled off. Has resulted in loss of all longer curls on the sides of her head where she sleeps. Highly textured black hair is the most fragile hair there is and most prone to damage. We are now trying to add Carol's Daughter hair elixer (quarter sized amount rubbed in my palms and rubbed into her hair) before bed every night. And I plan to start adding coconut oil on nights before shampoo days from now on. Both the elixer and coconut oil strengthen the hair shaft. So we'll see. So far today (following a night sleeping with the elixer on) she's had the best hair day she's had in a long time!

5. People thinking she's a boy. We are still encountering this particularly when her hair has been freshly washed and so is more tightly coiled and short looking. I solve this by adding her signature headbands. What can you do? Super annoying.

So far no puffs have been achieved. No cornrows have been practiced. I can't even get the child to sit still for her morning spritz and am chasing her around her room while she laughs at me. I think we will master hair health first and then move on to actual styling later. Like when she realizes how interesting Dora or Yo Gabba Gabba can be. Stillness people, we need stillness!

That is our hair dealy-o. It is very very important to me. I have never, not once, not even one day skipped hair routine. I feel like if I had to choose between going out in my pajamas for my day or letting Ariam go out for her day with slept on dried out looking hair I would definitely go out in my pajamas. Minus a bra even. Minus shoes. It just wouldn't happen. Hair. It is crucial to a child's sense of self, particularly growing up in a trans-racial family. I will never sacrifice her hair.

What do you do for hair? Any great tips out there?
~A

Blog Life meets Personal Life meets Work Life

2010-09-23T17:37:00.000-07:00
I'm going to be at the Together for Adoption conference in Austin, TX October 1-2nd.

Please tell me some of my amazing bloggy friends, commenters, writers and/or lurkers will be there too!

I'm not presenting but am working booths with member organizations of the Faith to Action Initiative: Bethany Christian Services, Orphan Outreach and possibly Christian Alliance for Orphans. If you see From Faith to Action floating around you'll know I am nearby...

Is it any more incentive to meet up than the fact that I am ....bringing Ariam??!! In all her itchy scratchy excema-y glory!

But Ariam is in and out on a limited basis with my mom who is helping me through the conference. If you want to get together let's pick a time to meet or a workshop to share so I know when the little one will be with me and when she won't need to be there. (My guess is she will have a large preference for spending time at the hotel in the swimming pool instead of hanging out at the conference.)

Is this bossy? This blog post sounds so bossy to me. I promise I'm not quite this bossy in person.

I am busy. Working hard on several projects for the Initiative (which I realized I can type here without any asterisks or periods because I am the one who checks g.oogle a.nalytics for us!)

1. We are buying a house!

2. We seem to be traveling constantly!

3. J may start a new job that leaves me in full-time child care mode 100% of the time while working 30 hours/week. That just will not work. So now we are in high gear search for a nanny or nanny share in our neighborhood.

Which leads me to the huge internal debate over whether or not we should hire an Ethiopian nanny through the refugee employement services here in our city. I want to. I don't want to. I want to. I don't want to. I'm scared of being judged. I am scared of A's attachment loosening to me. I hate that everyone will think she is the nanny's kid. But it seems right to provide employment to a hardworking Ethiopian woman who is probably providing for her family. Oh sigh. Now this is a whole blog post of its own. Has anyone done this before? What are your thoughts?

And circling back to the conference PLEASE tell me you'll be there! :)

~A

Bad Blogger Bullet points

2010-09-14T19:31:00.000-07:00

Tonight I received this teeny tiny message in my hotmail inbox:

time for A NEW BLOG POST with pics

I wanted to comply but am having problems making time slow down and cooperate. So bad blogger bullet pointing HERE WE GO!

1. On August 29th, 2010 we dedicated Ariam at church. The photos from the church are not good. Waiting for a friend to send hers so I can write a full post. It was a lovely morning though. Ariam wore her traditional dress. And ate a donut. And loved it. And climbed onto the stage herself. And tried to eat a flower.

2. We took an amazing Labor Day long weekend in Santa Fe. Ari met J's dad for the first time and it was mutual love at first sight. The vacation included both dogs, 5 alpacas, a swimming pool, a playground, a fruit market, coyotes, bear prints, a ton of guacamole, a giant tutu wearing photo shoot meltdown and one very long car ride.

3. We are now in DC for a week. For work and fun. We're staying with friends who have a 3 year old son and 15 month old son. And LOTS of fun toys. Today we played tourist in our old city and someone cooperated nicely by napping in her stroller QUIETLY in all of the very quiet museums. Felt like old times. (Plus one.)

Oh, and Ariam and I took a ride on the old horse carousel in the middle of the national mall. On a sunny day. With daddy taking photos. It was one of those stop and have to catch your breath you're so happy moments. :)

4. Ari is having serious skin problems. We have a derm appt. next Monday. I mean the skin is BAD folks. I lotion it 3-4 times/day and have tried everything. Making my own out of jojoba/shea/coconut, Aq.uifer, Al.ba, even using some hy.drocortisone creams. Nothing works. Her scalp under her hair is white and itchy and coming off in chunks, her hips have hive type red rashes, her legs will CRACK they are so dry unless I basically follow her around with lotion and cream all day, and her face gets flaky white spots and dry bumps across her nose and on her forehead. Oh, and her whole torso has tiny invisible to the eye (but can feel with fingers) bumps on it. Her specialist has no idea. People have thrown around exzema, allergies, altitude, etc. But no conclusive decisions. So...children's hosp. dermatologist here we come. Anyone have any ideas for the meantime?

That is the bullet point blogging for August/early Sept.

Ariam is growing up. She is walking very confidently now. Her hair is getting long enough to do finger curls. She is sleeping very well on vacation in her pack and play and napping in the stroller when we are out. She's still terrible on the airplane. But all in all she is wonderful, funny, sweet, and a great joy and companion to have with us everywhere we go!

This photo doesn't do her justice because she looks so serious. Really her smile is the most fabulous thing on earth. But I love the picture because it reflects her depth. And it is stunning.

~A

Three Months Together

2010-09-01T13:41:00.000-07:00

We thought that she was an introvert.

We thought she was quite serious.

We thought we knew what she liked and didn't like.

That was three months ago.

We were so wrong. We knew nothing about this amazing little person. She is so complex, so many layers of interesting personality to discover. She surprises us every day we are together.

We thought she was an introvert and very serious because it took so long for her to relax. I think she must have been protecting herself. We thought she was quite fussy and finicky because of her deep wailing inconsollable sobbing at night and her refusal to consider anything other than shiro or mac and cheese an edible.

Now I can't imagine going even a minute without her easy grin or her chortle that's turned belly laugh. She finds everything worth smiling about as long as she is with us. (Still not so sure about strangers or new places.) And she will eat absolutely anything as long as we taste test for poison first. ;)

I thought I knew her basic likes and dislikes after a few days together.

But now I know that she:

loves

onion and cheese enchiladas

drinking from a straw like a big girl

pretending to give herself a bath (more than taking a real one)

being talked to in a fake silly monster voice

almost falling but being caught at the last second

reading books - especially ones with baby faces or animals

knowing that her bottle is nearby if needed

rocking with her head on my shoulder and both arms up around my neck

her shoes!

One of Ariam's favorite new tricks is carrying my high heeled sandal strapped over her arm like a purse. She will do this for 10 or 20 minutes, juggling the sandal from arm to arm as she drinks, reads, or plays.

I did not know her. I did not know her at all three months ago.

So far she hates

being told not to hit the computer

being asked to sit in the bath instead of stand and play with the hot water knob

That's all I can think of.

She is easy. Deep, watchful, loving, confident, and so brave. She's my hero. And yes, there are rainbows and unicorns over here in our house. Promised to be real and I swear this is really the kind of infatuation we are feeling!

Sometimes when she makes noises at night (before we've gone to bed) we argue over who gets to go in and comfort her. Three months ago we argued bitterly over who "had" to go comfort her at night. We've come a long way baby.

~A

You Know You Wanted More

2010-08-22T20:38:00.000-07:00
(She likes her books.)

(And her sleep.)

(But her greatest discovery is the power of walking!)

First, thanks for so many great comments on my "readers declare yourself" post a few days ago. I loved seeing who is here with me and for what reasons. Please post your comment there when you get a chance and make sure to enable your google profile or give me your email address/blog address so I can get to know you better!

Second, I feel really unsettled about my post from yesterday. Leaving it up for now to see what you think. But I feel so stupid about this. One of my very best friends is Indian. I wouldn't think twice about taking her son to the mall and would never notice anyone looking at us. So obviously this issue I have now is very internal and all about trans-racial parenting. Not trans-racial friendships, relationships or public outings. It's the parenting piece people! How to be a mindful white mother? Will get back to you if I figure anything out.

Finally, I have learned how to upload video from my F.lip and I plan to make a lot of use of this basic skill. You know you wanted more!
~A

White Mama

2010-08-21T19:41:00.000-07:00
Does anyone else notice how uncomfortably close we get to other humans when shopping?

The mall. It really is equally appalling and appealing. In one building you can find so many strange and tempting things: the overpowering smell of cinna.bonn (yum) mingled with the watery eye, allergy inducing air fibers of new clothing, the soundtrack of tapping high heels and children screaming in the indoor play area topped off with a hint of musky cologne samples. Fake light, fake smells, fake food, fake playground. Real people.

Prior to adopting I never looked at my fellow shoppers. I am usually an in and out by myself, get it done, seek and destroy shopper. Once in awhile I am the shopper who brings a friend to try on expensive dresses neither of us can afford. Either way, no eye contact with fellow stranger shoppers and definitely no chit chat with salespeople.

Ariam and I have been alone to a mall twice together since arriving home. (This post really applies to being alone with her as adding another person changes the dynamic completely. The time I brought my friend Alima everyone thought we were a lesbian couple with a domestically adopted daughter.)

During both of our alone mall visits it's like I've had blinders removed and I can suddenly see race everywhere. (I know I know, a very WHITE thing to say.)

But seriously. Walking in the mall my internal monologue is something like this:

"African American man. Twelve o'clock. He sees her. Eyes widening slightly. He is wondering, he is wondering. Wonder if he is staring because she's so lovely? (glance at Ariam tells me that this is probably not quite the reason given her super grump expression, dried formula on her chin, and shoeless feet propped on the front rung of her stroller.) "

"Ethiopian! Ethiopian man four o'clock. Ethiopan man wearing traditional shirt! Oh! he sees her. He is looking. Should I smile? Should I nod? Should I stop? He's not smiling. Why not smiling?"

"AA woman next to us. Next to us looking at C.arol's Dau.ghters products. I am a good mama. I am paying a lot of money for good hair products (insert more self affirmation of my ability to mother an Ethiopian baby.) I smiled. Should I comment knowingly on one of the products? I did it! I did it! But no more. No more HAIR talk. That's not cool. No more hair talk Amanda. You are so WHITE."

Sitting at table eating frozen yogurt, feeding bites to Ariam who is a. grumpy because mommy is hauling her around the watery eye allergy inducing mall and b. wants yogurt shoveled into her mouth at a faster pace than I can manage: "Ethiopian man. Handsome Ethiopian man. Approaching. Approaching. With a friend. With a stroller. Here they come.Careful now - are they friend or foe? What do they think about adoption. Act pleasant! No, act confident! No, act humble!!! Aaaccckkk!"

I internally obsess over Ariam's dry legs. "Her legs are so dry. If I don't look, maybe nobody will look. Is that dry or is that something I can brush off?? Okay, guess it's dryness. But WHY? I swear I am using Shea butter. I will swear this on my life to any woman who asks me. Maybe I should duck into a store and sneak some lotion onto her. Wait. No shoes. She isn't wearing shoes. Why didn't I put her shoes on? She looks so pitiful with her barefeet and long toenails. OMG. What am I doing in this mall? We are not coming back until I have mastered the hair products, remembered to shoe my child, and fed her enough yogurt to keep her quiet."

And on it goes. I have lost myself. In a good way in general. But in a muddled way in large public group settings. I don't know who I am in the context of who I am with Ariam yet. I can't just "be myself." Where is myself? Myself is some other woman who left for Ethiopia childless. She's back there still. Gone for good thank God. But who is this new person in her place? This new me is still often amazed to be parenting miss wonderful. This new me doesn't always feel so deserving. This new me is so very very conscious of all of the ways I could stumble.

Other adoptive mothers are too quick to smile and greet and ask questions like we are all in some giant mommy club just because their 7 year old Chinese son and my 1 year old Ethiopian daughter are both adopted.

White mothers are quick to compliment. Everywhere we go it is "look at her eyes. no, her lips, no! her hair!" from white people. Never from a person of any other race. Why is that? It seems normal to NOT comment on someone's child. And yet the comments from white people are making the lack of comments from everyone else seem odd.

I wish mall aisles were wider so you didn't have to pass SO DARN CLOSE to people who like to look and comment. Or look and NOT COMMENT. I wish I didn't have to roller over everyone's toes in those teeny tiny aisles inside baby stores. I wish Ariam wouldn't frown and look so darn angry the whole time I am shopping with her like I've just kidnapped her.

Race is so hard. In the peace of our own home and neighborhood and circle of friends I am often blinded by Ari's beauty and light. I have become color blind (yes yes, not a good thing I know - but don't we all become blind to most things about our own children?) I just see her as Ariam whom I love. Nobody around us stares or acts strangely or asks intrusive questions.

But the mall reminds me of why it's dangerous to become too comfortable. Because real life awaits. Real people with real thoughts, perceptions, judgements, and stares await.

Dangerous to be too comfortable. Dangerous because as she gets older, if I can't be the person to talk race, identity, and ethnicity with her then who will? At some point she will select someone in her life who can do that for her. I want that someone to be me. A better me. A rational, calm, well rounded, able to educate not just through my words but through my actions, me.

It's a good thing she can't read my scattered mall thoughts.

I really put this race talk on the back burner in the whirlwind of travel and homecoming and getting settled. And then of course there was the blinding aspect of Her.

But she will grow older. And she will see what I see, maybe from a different point of view or maybe in a similar way, and for a little while she will look to me. I will just have that little while to prove to her that I can handle it. That I know how to navigate the mall that is life.

Scary stuff. I feel about 14 today.

We all know how 14 year olds act in the mall.

So I am going to need to seriously buck up and get it together on this topic of race.
Thoughts?
~A

(This is J's hand. I don't have man hands.)

PS. I simply don't know how to navigate. I am a white mother with a black baby. It has completely changed who I am. The mother part has changed my internal life and the white/black part changed my external life. Still reeling. In so so many good ways.

Dogs and Spiders

2010-08-20T13:31:00.000-07:00
Ari's vocabulary is growing. She surprises us sometimes with the words (or word pieces) that pop out of her mouth. A few days ago a woman in the grocery store said "bye bye" to her and 15 seconds later Ariam leaned out of her stroller and whispered "bye bye." We were shocked.

After "Mama" and "Dada" (which she thinks are question and answer ie. "Mama?" is asked and Ari answers "DADA!" with a grin) came "Daw" for Dog and then, oddly "spy 'pida" for "spider."
I never thought my daughter's fourth word would be spider....

Disclaimers:
1. In the Dog video we were on our first hike. Ari was not drugged I swear! Just very very tired.
2. In the Spider video please disregard pajamas at 11am, linty hair, and juice being drunk while lying like a princess on the couch. Of course that isn't normally how we spend our days!!
~A

What Brings You Here?

2010-08-17T08:48:00.000-07:00
Yesterday Bridget from Sticky Mango Feet came for a visit with her daughter Elia. And yes, I absolutely think of her as Bridget from Sticky Mango Feet.

We had a conversation about blogging, that due to double child interference, didn't get very far. But I thought a lot about it last night.

Adoption blogging is this very interesting phenomenon. I clearly remember the very first adoption-related blog I read. It was Leah's. We met in Ethiopia (she was there visiting Myra, I was there for work.) When we parted Leah handed me a card. I thought it was a business card. And it was, sort of. It was labeled "Noah and Myra's Mom" and had her contact information and blog address. I was confused. (Ahhh, I was so clearly NOT in the adoption loop back then.)

Leah's blog introduced me to other adoption blogs. Which lead to many ugly cries in front of the computer. Which lead to the ordering of a waiting child dvd. Which lead to the walking and talking. Which ultimately lead us to Ariam.

There is something about the blogging community that is impossible to get anywhere else. Maybe it is the semi-anonymity that gives us permission to be very very real. Even ugly if we choose to be. Maybe it is the freedom to add, clarify, delete that makes communicating so much easier. Definitely there is power in writing and sending ourselves out into the universe this way.

The thing Bridget said that I found so interesting was that blogging has a way of making us more mindful of how we approach our adoption. We both agree that it holds us more accountable. You (that vague nebulous 'you' who I hardly know and yet feel so connected to) make me more accountable to A. Because I have to think before I write. And because I have to think before I write, I actually have to think before I act. Think about the way I approach sleep, think about the way I approach community, think about how I talk about adoption, think about how I represent our family. I can more mindfully think through challenges because I can bring them to the community to find support, answers, and ideas.

Maybe most importantly, because I publicly represent certain adoption values on this blog, I actually have to find a way to live them in my work and home life.

It deserves a lot more discussion. (Maybe minus the two adorable distractions!) But my point is simply that blogging is not just a way of documenting each milestone in Ari's development. Blogging for me is accountability, memory, planning, processing, and connection.

That being said. I am asking this: READERS DECLARE YOURSELVES PLEASE!

It's come to the point where I am not sure who is reading here. I have received incredibly kind and supportive comments from new readers on old (very old) posts lately. But often commenters' profiles don't show up in the comments so I have no idea (other than a first name) who you are.

If you read here regularly could you please comment? And if we've never met by email I'd love it if you'd leave your email address or some other identifying link.

I don't use tracking software. I don't know who is reading from Finland or Zimbabwe or New Zealand. If anyone is. I don't use the program that tells me who found this blog and how. I have no idea how long you linger on each page or photo (but I do know that there are programs I could install to find this out!)

I have zero time to faff about (it's a British phrase, possibly spelled incorrectly) with installing these things. I just know that I'm nearing 20,000 hits in one year and would so love to know who is out there with me. Are you reading to see photos (mom- ok I so know that is you), are you reading because you are considering adopting? Are you reading because you are a friend and I don't email you or call you often enough? :) Are you reading because you are interested in the same things I am: ethics, race and identity, sleep crisis, reluctant husbands, vulnerable children, special needs??

If you are Morgan and Jackie then you don't need to comment because I know you are reading to keep tabs on the little light I've been entrusted with.

Thanks in advance everyone!

~A

Sleep Update

2010-08-15T09:38:00.000-07:00
I've been asked about how our sleep is going fairly often since I posted this.

The short answer is: much much better. Cry it out was not torturous and it did not last long at all. The key is putting her to bed before she's completely asleep so that when she wakes up she's not disoriented. Now she sleeps through the night every night.

But the long answer to the question of sleep is a convoluted explanation of how only after having Ari home with us did I really absorb all of the adoption literature I read last year.

I read it but it was in one eye and out the other, so to speak.

This is what I know now:

1. Babies are so smart about sleep. Sleep is not just sleep. It really isn't. Sleep can be bonding or sleep can be divisive. Sleep can be restful or it can be restless. Sleep isn't always sleep. It can be playing or it can be sobbing. Sleep has rythms and it has power. It is fascinating.

Take for instance right now. Right now as I type it is 10:43am on a Sunday morning and A has been talking in her crib for 43 minutes exactly. For the last 3 weeks A has slept, without fail, from 10:00am-11:10am. Usually it takes a rocking and a bottle lead in but it doesn't fail. However, every Sunday morning she skips this nap because we go to church at 10:15am. We made a plan to start rotating one person staying home for nap and one going to church so that she could stay on a 7 day/week schedule. This is day one of the new plan for Sunday mornings.

HOW DOES SHE KNOW that it's Sunday? Why is she wide awake? We didn't do anything differently this morning but her body just knows.

A baby's body is capable of absorbing knowledge. I had read this but had not processed it.

This leads me to thought #2.

2. A baby's body absorbs information that possibly their brain cannot yet handle or make sense of. I am realizing that sleeping time is a processing time.

A is approaching a major milestone. She is approaching the time when she will have been in our care as long as any previous caregiver's. And it shows in her sleep. She's started to cry out multiple times each night. She's become restless in her sleep. A few days ago I had to get up and give her a bottle and rock with her for the first time in 2 months. Call it intuition or call it being well read about adoption - I just know this is her body's way of working out the fear of another big change. It's like her body is on count down. I am anxious to see how she does after we pass the 12 week milestone.

Finally, a thought not related to the above 2.

3. The whole "sleep when your baby sleeps" is just the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Inevitably the second I fall asleep for a nap she wakes up. It's apparently a law of nature or something like that. And it is much much worse than just staying awake.

Overall I think we are really fortunate. This is J's thought on the subject from a conversation we had yesterday.

J: "Do you think we got really lucky with A or do you think we just don't know the difference between easy and hard since we have nothing to compare her to?"

My answer is that I really don't know. Obviously we DON'T have a baby or older child to compare her to. But in so many ways she just fits us. Or we fit her. Something is working out right here.

She looks to us. We are important to her. She trusts us. Whether it is a nighttime wake up or a new situation, we are her people.

And that is big. THAT makes us very very lucky.

~A

Puke, Parties, Presents, People

2010-08-12T09:23:00.000-07:00
She is a morning person people. A MORNING. PERSON. Yeesh. Ick.

The cuteness in the am is almost overwhelming.

Ari and I recently spent some time in Texas with Aya and Papa. They are also morning people. The morning love fest was exhausting to watch. But at least one day I got to go back to bed and leave them to it!

These are some early am pre-breakfast photos at Aya's table. Does she smile for photos at a sensible time of day, like, oh say 2pm? Nope. 7am and earlier? Bedhead and all - absolutely!

A few weeks ago Ari and I said goodbye to daddy at the departure gate (he got permission to see us all the way to the gate) and walked down the ramp to board our flight to Austin.

Halfway down the ramp the little one threw up all over herself and her stroller. I didn't realize it at the time (I think that's a good thing actually) in my frantic juggling of wheely bag, diaper bag, stroller, baby and boarding pass. Have I always wanted to be that mom-jaunting off on a trip with her sweet baby? Yes. Was it idealic in reality. Hell no.

Once on the plane we found our seat and I discovered just how hard it is to hold a squiggly toddler while hefting a gigantic carry on into the overhead compartment.

I think I squeezed her too hard. I know I football carried her down the aisle of the plane so that probably didn't help.

WHY can't they make those plane aisles wider? There is no humanly possible way to pull a carry on AND carry a baby one one hip with a diaper bag on the other. We got stuck on every single seat we passed. "sorry, oh, excuse, me. oh. damn. Um. I mean sorry. ACK. (uncomfortable laugh) heh heh. HOW do people do this? It's harder than it looks. Heh heh. Sorry again. Ouch! Oopps so sorry!" UGH.

Now I have a vomit phobia. You all know that. Whether I know you in my work life, my personal life, my family life or my online life - you all know I am scared of vomit. I run from it. I am not the sympathetic friend you should count on to hold your hair back over a toilet. (gag.)
I even once ran from J on our anniversary when he got really sick in a park. RAN. As in I was halfway down the block shouting over my shoulder that I would go get the car and a barf bag and be back soon.

So. Vomit. Plane. Baby. Me. Alone. (insert sad mewing defeated sound.) The second we sat down in our seat she threw up again - all over the two of us and our seat. It was our first vomit experience together if you don't count our first night together when she threw up her meal into her bib pocket. (Very clean and easy.)

The flight attendants kept yelling at me to remove my tiny little bottle carrier from the overhead bin and put it under my seat because I wasn't allowed to put more than one carry on above. Honestly? The thing holds a bottle and her meds. It is tiny. I am covered in vomit. Baby is screaming. It was bad. I kept asking for something to clean up with and they brought me dry paper towels. How are scratchy dry paper towels going to help? They did a lovely job of dryly smearing everything around.

Worse was the 30 minute delay after everyone boarded. Which took place 30 minutes after regular bedtime. Which lead to Ari pinching the elderly woman's arm next to us. And pulling the hair of the woman in front of us. And screaming. A LOT.

It was so hot. It was the 8th circle of hell (if Addis immigration is the 7th.) We were practically sweat glued to each other.

It was really terrible. It deserved a blog post all its own. I will not forget that flight for a very long time. There was a moment when I thought "I can't do this. No. I really cannot. My feminine parts are soaking with vomit juices (she puked down her front onto my lap.) My baby stinks and has grown from a manageable 20 pounder to the size of a poopy diapered linebacker on my lap. The woman next to me actually has her FINGERS IN HER EARS. And I will be trapped on this plane until we all die."

An hour and a half later we landed.

On the flight home I told our seatmate before he even sat down that he did not want to sit next to us. I think Ari really kicked it home for him when she looked up, screamed in his face, pressed the cookie monst.er (haahhh haaahhh hahhh) laugh button on her toy and laughed maniacally while jumping up and down on his seat. (Our flight home was also a half hour past normal bedtime.) He found another seat.

Flight home with extra seat next to us was marginally better.

In between these flights from the depths of hell we had a wonderful time!

My mom's friends threw us a welcome home baby shower which we attended in full party dress.

Ariam received many toys, chewed on wrapping paper, hand fed me frosting, met Ellie T. and had zero meltdowns.

I've noticed that in party situations she doesn't smile much. She is very serious and hyper alert. I think this is a normal side effect of having lived with large groups in an institution. But I do really look forward to the day when she can laugh, smile and relax at a party.

Despite my concerns about leaving daddy behind, Ari did great at Aya and Papa's house. She loved the soft carpeted floor, watching the "DAW" out the window, sitting at the big people's table, receiving adoring visitors, and sleeping in my room at night in a pack and play. She even napped twice/day, slept through the nights, and handled the heat with grace. I was sort of blown away. She did ask for "dah dah" a few times but seemed happy enough with looking at our family pictures with him on the walls.

A highlight was Saledo Creek. We began with top on, bottoms off. Then went to full swimsuit mode!
We had a great visit. Loved the party, presents and people. (Could have done without the puke.) THANK YOU mom, dad, and friends!
~A

Ear Feeding

2010-08-06T15:37:00.000-07:00

J: Feeding Ari in her kitchen highchair, "Babe...? I don't think we have a Mensa candidate here."
A: From living room, "Why is that?"
J: "She's feeding herself through the ear." (Truly - she was trying to stuff individual spiral noodles right into her ear canal while staring him down with a very focused expression.)
I don't know, I think that's pretty amazingly innovative if you ask me. Food tastes good going through the mouth, I'm sure she assumes that through the ear means twice as many yummy food delivery holes.
~A

60 nights ago...

2010-08-03T21:10:00.000-07:00
J and I went to sleep just the two of us. The next night we never went to sleep. We listened to A breathing and marveled over the BABY in our room.
A lot has changed. I think we are in mourning sometimes. We mourn rides on the scooter that sits lonely on our back patio. Sometimes after she is in bed we sigh. Sighs of sadness that we can't just run an errand together or spontaneously go out to eat. Every. single. morning she wakes up. I knew it in theory but the reality of never getting to sleep in. Ever. Again. So so sad.
A lot has changed. I think we are celebrating still. How is it that we can feel every feeling above and also feel amazed and giddy at how fortunate we are to have A with us? So many conflicting emotions. How do the mourning and the celebrating fit together?? It is...confusing.
Ari has really come into her own. There is no doubt in my mind that whatever grieving she went through during her transition, it is over completely now and we are the only ones left turned upside down. She knows where she fits and it is firmly between the two of us. If we kiss, she wants to clamber up our bodies and be smooched too. If we are both in the room and either of us leaves she wails with disappointment. She disburses smiles and kisses and hugs and waves evenly and is never happier than when all three of us are together. The sound of our voices talking can soothe her into her deepest sleep. She prefers that we both change her diaper so that one can deal with the dirty work and the other can play peekaboo.
Some of the things that fascinate me:
Ari's head is in the 99th percentile. Whoa.
She can turn anything, a shoe, a bottle, an empty plastic box, into a cell phone.
She loves cooked veggies, tofu, couscous, and anything spicy but hates fresh fruit and is suspicious of desserts.
Regular sign language is not nearly exciting enough. Ari creates her own signs and uses them regularly to discuss the itsy bitsy spider, things she wants, demands for the dogs to come, the sippy cup, and being sleepy.
Going to bed at 7pm (still semi-awake) and sleeping for 12 hours alone - not a problem. Taking a one hour nap alone in the afternoon - obviously the worst form of cruelty and torture!
Her love of water in streams, pools, lakes, and even the hose but her pure disgust for bathtub baths.
I love that Ari calls me "Meh meh" right now (even though she can say Mama) and that her first real word was "DAW" for dog. I love her rare belly laughs and scrunched nose smiles. I love that she loves the Baby Faces and Global Babies books and that she enjoys admiring herself in the mirror.
I hate that we have zero flexibility with our time. I hate that the ring of the doorbell or the phone during naptime sends flaming shots of fear through my core. I despise the sound of crying on the baby monitor that inevitably arrives 10 minutes after I lay down to nap. I am horrified that it is 11pm right now and I've already missed the cutoff for going to bed and being able to wake up feeling refreshed.
I love her.
I am still in lifestyle change shock.
I am amazed by her.
I am horrified by our sudden loss of independence.
She has the power to thrill me and exhaust me and keep me awake with worry at night.
Who knew? Two months ago, seriously, who could have known how complicated these feelings would be? Does it get easier?

~A

PS. Am watching teen mom right now and really really appreciate that a. I had 11 years of adulthood and marriage before adding baby and b. we would never scream, yell or otherwise throw insane teenage hissy fits in front of our poor child.

+ One

2010-07-31T12:15:00.000-07:00
On July 18th Ari invited some close friends to join her in the backyard.
Adults helped themselves to sangria.

Babies helped themselves to dirty pool water.

Pink cake was eaten daintily.

And pink cake was eaten not so daintily.

First birthday celebrated. Check.
First year gone completely. Check. :(

~A

Love Grows Softly

2010-07-19T21:26:00.000-07:00
How do you know when attachment is growing?
I wondered about this a lot. I swore to use the word "bonding" for at least our first 6 months home instead of "attaching" since I know this second word can be...confusing? debatable? hard to measure?
Bonding is easy. I think we understood from day one that bonding is little moments and memories you create that build a web of invisible strings between parents and child. We started bonding when we delivered sweet snacks into D's mouth on day one. We started bonding when we gave her the bottle. We took photos. We touched her feet to the grass. We pointed at ourselves "mama" "dada" a million times with big smiles. We hugged and held and made her laugh just a little. We took photos as a family. We were creating bonds.
But how to measure attachment? What does it really look like? I am thinking about that a lot these days because something is changing in our house. There is something, dare we say love (?!), growing softly in our home.
Tonight we had this moment of overwhelming sweetness before we put her to bed. The three of us, giggling, kissing, rubbing noses, making eye contact. She was so happy she was just glowing. J and I were not a. trying to rush her to bed so we could get some evening time alone or b. tired and frustrated from a long day with a demanding one year old. Nope. We were just enjoying it. No faking it till we make it.
She.
looks me in the eye a lot
smiles when she sees me
plays near my feet or within my sight (or J's if he is home)
bursts into sobbing tears if she senses any frustration or irritation on my part (I don't quite know what to make of this actually - any thoughts?)
comes to me and lays her head on my shoulder while we are playing in her room
gets upset if I leave the room when we are out in public
touches my face and hair (or J's) when we rock at night (sometimes with more force than I would like but still, I think it counts)
Likes to look at us together in the mirror - this makes her laugh and sometimes she announces "mama" at our reflections
Talks about "dada" or "dadee" all day long
She does all of these things. They were little at first. Their charm snuck up on me. Many early days I spent wishing for the cavalry to come and save me from her grabby hands and screaming voice. But then one day recently I realized that I know each scream. Now I understand what she needs immediately. She screams so much less now that she trusts us. One day I realized that I liked looking at her in the mirror too. One day we realized that we have little family jokes and tricks just between the three of us.
J and I have become oozing piles of baby love mush. We were not when we arrived home a month ago. And now we are. What happened? More than bonding I think. Dare I say attachment work is going on here? I think D is helping us along. She is really the answer to all of my prayers for a child that would bring us great joy and laughter.
We named her:
(Jeremy suggests that I tell you it is pronounced like the music group R.E.M. but I would say that the last a is much softer. More like Are yehm.)
The name is a Ge'ez word which means Supreme Heaven. Ge'ez is the ecclesiastical language of Ethiopia. I think that means it is the language used for worship, scripture, and music.
We gave her the middle name Isabella. It means God's promise and it is also the name of Kelley's little girl whom we absolutely worship and adore.
Finally, we kept Derartu as a second middle name.
We left for Ethiopia armed with a few names we liked. And believing that we might choose to keep Derartu as a first name. But the name became painful to my ears after hearing it on the nannies lips for 3 weeks. There were too many moments when someone used her name to draw her to them and try to claim her. Too many times when her name felt like a leash tying her back to her long series of losses and orphanages and caregivers and not like the cord that could tie her to us. We needed to claim this little girl. To be honest I was scared to do it. I was having self-doubt. I was worried that she would feel loss. But far from that, she became A from day one and never looked back. She immediately stopped responding to D. She's a survivor. But more than that I think she WANTED and was waiting to be claimed by her family.
~A
PS. After rereading each post I am shocked by how far we've diverged from our adoption parenting plan. Co-sleeping? Not a chance. Baby wearing? She wants none of it. Keeping her name? Nope. I would call the plan a huge fat failure IF I didn't look at the big picture and see so clearly how good each decision has been for all three of us.

Days 5-19 The Rest of the Story

2010-07-17T18:26:00.000-07:00

Ok, I lied. Name post will be the next one!
Really needing to wrap up the travel posts and put them behind me.

After her long day at the doctor's office on day 4 we spent the afternoon in immigration. This appointment is part of the behind the scenes work done before most families arrive in country. We took D to immigration in the pouring rain. Buckets. Cats and dogs. Drenching cold rain. HUGE crowd surrounding the building. Overflowing waiting rooms. Completely incomprehensible set of intricate stops and starts and lines and forms. We were with 2 social workers from AAI and several children being processed for their passports so we just followed everyone around clutching the baby to us and trying not to slip and fall in the mud as we went from one building to another.

We shuffled around, changed a diaper on the ground, kept D plied with bottles and each went into our zones. (You know, the happy place you go in your mind when you'd rather be anywhere else. Mine was a Fiji, Tahiti, Bali, Hawaii combo. I was tan and thin, margaritas drunk from coconuts were plentiful, it was not too hot or too cold... you know the place.)

We were rewarded at the end of the day. D had her passport photo taken (and received her passport early the next week) AND we got to see her new Ethiopian birth certificate. With our names listed as her parents and her birthday surprisingly assigned as July 18, 2009.

Days 5-19. How can I even describe them?
We had a very brief honeymoon period. Just a few days where D slept for long naps and long nights, we were both well, and the weather was warm and sunny. We spent one afternoon playing with Kelley's kids: Ben, Bella and Simon, at the private international school which has a track, playgrounds, green grass, and a great cafe.

(Keeping it real with this photo. She's been our mini dictator from the start.)

On day 6 we joined Kelley's family and several of their friends for lunch at Antika - an Italian restaurant off of Bole Road that I highly recommend. During this lunch something really significant happened. It turned out that one of Kelley's friends is the man who processes adoption visas at the US embassy. We talked for several hours about adoption, corruption, ethics, agencies, visas, the future of Ethiopian adoptions, AND we talked about D's medical needs. This man, this wonderful man, described step by step to us what we needed to do to expedite our visa process. He said that because of her pre-existing medical condition PLUS the extremely poor care she received resulting in poor health, she would qualify to be expedited by the embassy. (And she was. In the end we passed court on May 24th and had our visa appointment on June 16th. It was practically a miracle.

(Had her first pizza and LOVED it. How do kids just know the junk food?)

On night 6 I got the chills. On day 7 I was feverish and could barely get out of bed. On day 8 we called our friends Jon and Jess (who work for Foresaken Children - a great organization that supports a drop in center and halfway home for street children in Addis) and they took me to the Swedish Clinic. Dr. Nagina is kind but very blunt. As I lay on her emergency bed claiming I was about to die (and I seriously felt that way) she said "we will take blood. If it is viral I will send you home with nothing. If it is bacterial you get medicine." (I have never in my life prayed so hard for a bacterial anything!)

(Jon, Jess and baby Dawit. Thank you - we love you!)

She attempted to swab my throat for strep and it didn't go well. Let's just say that she probably has better patients in her 5 year olds. (I have a phobia of that wooden tongue depressor.)

It was bacterial. I cried a little with relief. She said I had an "extremely high and obvious" count of bacteria in my blood. No clue what that means. Sent me home with medicine.

Day 7-9 I lay in bed. Yeshi the cook makes me homemade chicken noodle soup and keeps it coming. Jer brings me crackers and apple juice. I can barely swallow (the infection is respiratory and throat infection.) The fever breaks. I read the entire book The Help. I sleep 20 out of 24 hours. I have no idea where D is or who is taking care of her and I kind of care in between long sweaty naps but mostly I have a little lapse of memory that she is with us and I am a mom now.

Day 7-9 J apparently takes care of D with lots of help from Dinkanesh, Yeshi and Kelley/kids. Jeremy becomes very very tired. Jeremy almost cries. I almost cry. Maybe we both cried but I can't remember much from those days. D looks at me suspiciously when she's in my room. She doesn't understand why I've withdrawn. I feel guilty. The whole thing is nightmarish.
Yeshi and Dinkanesh cannot understand why J is taking care of the baby when they are there. They take D from him at every opportunity and begin to bond with her. D transfers her affection to them and to the guards. We know it will be hard to win her back. UGH.

Days 10-19 Nine days apparently go by and I just don't know what we did. We feel we are living the movie Groundhog's Day. Each day we are unsure if we'll make it in the embassy batch for the 16th. (Her TB test, passport, and other documents have to be done.)

J gets up 3 mornings in a row at 5am to have D ready for her 6am TB sputum testing. It involves intubating her. It is apparently not pretty. This happens while I am recuperating.

We rarely leave the house. I work to gain back trust with D. We visit with a few friends. We go to bed by 7:30 or 8pm every night. We pray that we will get her visa.

Day 14 We drive to Debre Zeit/Bishoftu with an AAI social worker and an Elolam Kids social worker. They take us to visit D's hometown. It is not far from Addis but is a long drive in rain and on bad roads. It is a long and hard day. We learn some things we did not know. We are left though with more questions than answers. We make a surprise visit to D's first nanny. (More on this in the name/attachment post.)
Day 16 We go to the embassy with the AAI group and receive D's visa. They even allow us to come later than the families with older children so that we won't have to wait so long. (Average embassy wait is about 3 hours.) We see "our guy" at the window and thank him profusely.
Day 17 Kelley and Yeshi help me dress D in her traditional outfit for a spontaneous photoshoot. In the afternoon D's orphanage throws a going away party for several of the children leaving for the U.S. with adoptive parents. We make a definite decision to change her name after hearing the nannies call to her all afternoon.

Day 18 We said goodbye to the Bunkers on Day 17 when they left for their summer vacation in the States. Jon and Jess pick us up at 8pm. Jeremy has had food poisoning for the previous 12 hours. I have a raging recurrance of my bacterial infection combined now with bronchitis. (But thankfully minus the debilitating fever.)

Our flight is at 1:40am. We arrive 4 hours early in order to request bulkhead/bassinett seating at the ticketing desk for Ethiopian Airlines - which was already reserved by our travel agent. We are told these seats are confirmed. We move on to the endless nighttime airport wait. The only glimmer is the light at the end - the bulkhead bassinett seat so we can LAY HER DOWN. (She hates the Er.go carrier and got a major second wind in the airport that involved crawling, laughing, eating, and screaming.)

We board somewhere around 3am. Late. Late departure. And our seats are NOWHERE NEAR THE BULKHEAD.
This is when J has hits his very limit. 19 days of confusion, late pick ups by drivers, wrong information, sickness, poor service from almost everyone involved in D's adoption, and he is over the edge. He takes the baby, walks up to the front of the plane (after trying to talk to flight attendants with no results) and demands to talk to a pilot. He does not budge for 30 minutes. There are obviously other seats available - many at the back of business class and at least one on a bulkhead but they will neither move us or shift anyone else to a better seat so that we can have some room to spread out. I am tired. I am defeated. D is crying. I am willing to give up and sit down. (SO not my normal style.)

But J stages his silent furious crying baby-holding protest until finally the head attendant comes and moves a man out of our row and into a nicer seat so at least we have a seat free between us for D. It was the best we could get, and it was not the "confirmed" bulkhead, but it satisfied. I think after all that we had been through J just could not handle the thought of either of us holding her for one more second. (Especially since were both sick!)

We lay her down, she fell asleep, we slept a bit. And somehow the 9 hour flight to London passed without any more drama. There were other adoptive families on the plane looking at us. I am sure they thought we were being ridiculous. But they did not know what we had been through the past 19 days. This was just the breaking point.

We have only one photo of the entire trip home. This one. And it just about sums it up I think.

When we arrived in London we couldn't stop grinning. We love the UK. We have lots of friends in London. London has great health care. London has pharmacies to treat my cough. London has croissants and hot mint tea and so much yum. We ate in Heathrow. D crawled around Heathrow. We decided to implement the "well it couldn't be germier than where she was living in Ethiopia" standard for allowing her to crawl all over public spaces. We slogged ourselves around to stay awake. We loved every minute of those 4 hours.

And then we hated every minute of the 10 hour flight home to Denver. It wasn't United's fault. They of course were wonderful. The transfer desk agent spent 20 minutes moving around the entire plane to get us a row of 3 in the front of economy plus. In theory we had space and comfort. But 5 of the 10 hours J spent in the back kitchen galley holding D who wanted nothing to do with sleep or sitting. 5 of the 10 hours I spent choking on my own phlegm and trying not to breath on any other passengers. 1 hour I spent walking D into sleep. And then she slept the last few hours on the plane, all the way through immigration and customs, all the way through baggage claim and almost all the way home. :)

We've reached the end. Home glorious home. Cool breezes, endless blue sky over mountains, green grass, our car and her carseat, our doggies, friends with food deliveries, a CRIB to put her in. Heavenly.
These posts are not meant to diminish the accounts of wonderful trips from other adoptive families. I am guessing that if you are guaranteed a visa and only spending 4-7 days in the country, particularly during the warm/dry/sunny season, that Addis and Ethiopia in general seems just fine.

But I have traveled all over the world and seen some DIRE living conditions and yet I have never experienced anything close to Addis Ababa. It is painfully dirty, painfully full of disease and neglect, heartwrenchingly full of the poor, elderly, disabled and children living in the streets. I have been there twice before this year so it was not a surprise. But living there with a sick baby for 19 days was not easy. Or pretty. Especially in the rainy season.
J never wants to go back. It was that traumatic. It's actually kind of funny looking back - a month later - at how visceral a reaction he had to it. But we have committed to attempt a return every 5 or so years. So we will be back. And we will go during sunny season. To visit Lalibela and Axum and Lake Tana and all of the other beautiful parts so that we can help D appreciate the land and people she comes from. We certainly don't want this one pick up trip to be all we can offer her.
~A

She's growing up between blog posts!

2010-07-16T08:58:00.001-07:00
I'm taking a break from blogging our time in Ethiopia to celebrate one month home! (Today is our FIRST post-placement visit from super wonderful social worker Kate.) We began our homestudy visits with Kate exactly one year ago this month. Last summer. It was an eternity ago. It was yesterday....

(Standing on her own now and SO proud of it!)

(Peekaboo is her favorite silly game.)

(First time at the Denver Ethiopian adoptive families picnic. Last year we declined.)

(First fourth of July party.)

(One week home - already a lifetime ago. Quite possibly my favorite photo of all time.)

(She likes her ride.)

(Who doesn't love bathing in a pink plastic pool on a hot day?)

(Early days home. One of her first big smiles - she was swinging.)
We are in no way "there" yet. As I type she's squeaking and screaching from her crib in full fury that I should set a nap time schedule and expect her to relax instead of play with us 100% of the time. But we are getting there.

~A

(Next post! I promise I'll write about her name.)

Day 4 - The Swedish Clinic

2010-07-09T18:22:00.000-07:00

We "woke up" from our sleepless night at 6am and had to wake D up, get her ready, and be at the orphanage at 7am for our doctor's appointment.

The doctor did not show up. According to the nurse he had a late night and decided to come at 10am instead of 7am.

SO. Not. Cool.

We had to choose between waiting for 3 hours (which was not going to happen) or walk a couple of miles back to Kelley's house. (Couldn't get a taxi to stop in rush hour traffic.)

We walked in the dust along the side of the road. Through goat herds, over piles of crap, with exhaust in our faces, clutching our sick baby to J's chest. I kept stumbling on huge rocks. J was being stared at like he was an alien landed from the very outer edges of the universe. D was all wide frightened eyes and raspy wheezing. Awful.

Kelley took one look at us and packed us off to her doctor at the Swedish Clinic. What can I say about the Swedish Clinic? It is professional. The doctor is kind. The lab is on site. The medicine is imported from Sweden and is guaranteed not to be expired.

We spent 3+ hours at the clinic. They gave D a full body physical and noted that she was very sick with bronchitis and a bacterial infection that entered through her v*g*na and spread up throughout her body. It was emerging as an eye infection, a bacterial respiratory infection, and a v*g*nal infection. The cause? Sitting in dirty diapers. Not being cleaned properly. Which is just infuriating since the orphanage has four nannies assigned to just 3 infants in the baby room. There is no reason they couldn't use the pounds of wipes sitting in the nursery to clean those babies. (But they don't.)

D also had fungal infections behind her ear and in her v*g*na. What we saw was not pretty. There was a lot of swelling, discoloration, pus, and general ooze. Our poor baby. She was so lethargic. But she was a great trooper throughout the whole inspection and the blood draw.

We left the Swedish clinic armed with 4 prescriptions, a receipt for our $325 bill, and feeling huge relief knowing that we had received the best care possible in Addis Ababa.

I don't understand why AAI can't bring the children in their care to the Swedish clinic. This is beyond my understanding. Why are the children at A***E being given such poor local care when we are, in theory at least, paying for their care while we wait to pick them up?

After arriving home I learned that other volunteers had stories of finding D sitting alone in her own feces covered in mucus and vomit. Another volunteer found her with the skin peeling completely off of her little bottom from such terrible diaper rash. How is this an acceptable level of care? I simply don't understand it. It isn't like the nannies were overwhelmed with children in the nursery.

The night that we brought D into Kelley's home, her cook burst into tears. Later she told me that as an Ethiopian she felt ashamed that any Ethiopian woman could take such poor care of our baby. She knew just by looking at D that she had not been cared for. She was actually afraid she was going to die! (A bit melodramatic in my opinion - but she said she was scared for her.)

Several times throughout our weeks at Kelley's house her cook, nanny and rotating security guards thanked us for coming for D and apologized that it was Ethiopians who had allowed her to be so sick. At first I tried to tell them that I thought the nannies might have been doing their best but they ALL told me that no woman would allow her child to become so sick with things that were preventable (like a diaper infection) and that it is common knowledge that orphanage workers work for money, not for the love of the children. :(

This isn't the end of the story. We are ok now obviously. And even in our time in Addis D improved tremendously. She enjoyed HUGE daily doses of affection from Kelley's family, from Yeshi the cook, Dinkanesh the nanny, and Solomon and Dessie the guards. She was emotionally and physically lavished with attention and care and it didn't take long for her to become herself. But I will never forget the condition her body was in when the doctor examined her at the Swedish clinic. And I will never forget the horror on Kelley's staff's faces when they saw her (CLOTHED) that first night.

My poor baby. I wanted to believe they loved her. But love is expressed in actions and I can't find anything in their actions that could make her conditions acceptable.

~A

Smitten

2010-07-05T20:20:00.000-07:00

He is.

Evidence #1:
Yesterday he asked me to take the photo above so he could change his profile picture on fac.ebook. It is the only time he's ever changed that profile picture. He's never even posted a photo of me on his profile page!

Evidence #2:
Tonight he disappeared into the nursery to put her to bed but didn't come out for an HOUR. In theory this is not part of the cry it out method. When he finally came out he guiltily admitted to rocking and cuddling her into sleep.

Evidence #3:
During our first torturous, sick, sleepless week in Ethiopia he said "YOU did this to me." It didn't sound very nice.
Tonight as he reluctantly left her room he said, "You did THIS to me." ;)

~A

Day 3 - Family Day

2010-07-04T14:50:00.000-07:00
We tried to visit earlier. We arrived at 9am thinking we would be a step ahead of nap time.
But again, she was a tiny, fragile, sleepy baby with deep and sad eyes. She did recognize us when we arrived and gave us a big grin and some hearty clapping. But shortly after that she fell into a deep two hour sleep. We traded her back and forth while we sat in the playground, talked with another family, and took goofy photos of us looking ecstatic. We realized that the love had grown.

When it was time to say goodbye I just felt that everything was wrong with the world. I felt scared to leave her there and aching to take her home, give her a bath and get a good look at what might be going on with that little body.

So after saying goodbye for lunch we walked down to the AAI office to talk with Gail. She explained that D's birth certificate and court decree were not ready yet so we could not take custody. She also told us that we would most likely be assigned a June 30th embassy date and that we would have to go to the embassy to sign papers giving me power of attorney for Jeremy since he would be leaving on June 19th. Worst news of all was that I would have to renew my visa (it would expire June 30th) and that it would not be easy to get another one. It was so discouraging and we were so deflated heading back to Kelley's. We were both silently praying for a miracle.

When we arrived home the cell rang. It was Gail. She said that right after we left her staff brought in D's birth certificate and court decree. Which meant we could take custody of her that afternoon!

I had a meeting at UN.I.CEF and we knew D was sleeping until 3:30 so we agreed that Jeremy would go to get her ready and I would meet him there when I could with Kelley.

It was such an exciting afternoon. I'm so glad I had a meeting to focus on.
In a side note - this was a very cool meeting! It was a group of NGOs (some that do adoption and some that just do development) meeting to discuss their plans for foster care programming in Addis. This is such a big step in the right direction towards gettting kids OUT of the orphanage system. It was a professional and personal honor to be a part of this growing network.

By the time Kelley and I made it back to the orphanage we were an HOUR late and we found poor J standing outside holding a very dejected D and looking overwhelmed and exhausted. He had a pretty funny story to tell. (Funny to me but not to him.)
Apparently when he arrived, they weren't expecting him. He walked back to the baby room and walked in on a nanny WITH HER TOP OFF changing into her clothes to leave for the evening! I so wish I could have seen his expression. He says he'd like to erase that memory from his eyeballs. LOL

It was very anticlimatic. No AAI representative. No orphanage director. No formalities or goodbyes or signing her out. Just like it began.
Jer and D were reaching their limit of patience so we just packed them into the SUV and hustled out of there as fast as we could. D was wearing the jumper we sent in her care package. I sent J back in to find her owl lovey and photo book because no one had thought to pack those up for her. Very annoying.

I will never ever forget the breath of relief I took as we backed out of those green gates and they closed in front of us. I just hugged D to me, told her we would all be ok, and took a second to appreciate that our daughter had been SPRUNG from prison. Oops. I mean that orphanage. Forever. Never to have to live there again with such a poor level of care.

We were welcomed by Ben, Isabella and Simon at Kelley's house. They were too cute trying to be calm and talk softly but they were obviously so excited. (They had asked when the baby was coming home every day since I arrived!) We posed for this quick photo in the kitchen and then took D down to our room for her first bath.

She was amazed by her bath. She laughed and clapped and even bent down and tried to drink from it. But the day ended poorly with a big pasta dinner, a struggle over meds, and a giant vomit. Oh man. That poor baby. I just felt sick with worry about her, and our ability to feed her and medicate her, by the time we put her down.

I wish we had a picture of her first night with us. We put her clean and lotioned little body into warm brown and pink flowered pajamas. Then we rocked with a bottle. Before she fell asleep we slid her into the Peapod, pulled up the soft pink blanket, read a book and said goodnight. She played peekaboo with her blanket and we tried very hard not to burst into laughter. HERE was the little girl that shines. And then. Very suddenly. She was fast asleep. (Hah. That's the LAST time it happened that way.) She slept for almost 13 hours with a couple of short wake ups. WE did not sleep for even one minute. We lay in that bed listening to her sick rattly wheezing and worried about her. We discussed what we had seen on her body and in her diaper. We strategized the plan for the next day. We laughed and we almost cried. It was a very long night's introduction to parenthood.

~A

CONFESSION

2010-07-03T08:51:00.001-07:00

She slept well in Ethiopia. Two full naps each day, at least two hours each. We would do a bottle and holding then pop her in the Peapod once she was asleep and go about our business. At night she slept from 6:30pm-5:00am with two wake ups.

The serious sleep problems began on the flight home when she showed us that she could keep herself awake on adrenaline for 20 hours at a time.

Our first week home she was jet-lagged and that was a blessing because naptimes were easy and long and nighttime wake ups were easily forgivable. And we were more awake in the middle of the night anyway. We noticed she was waking up more often and staying awake and upset (even as we held her) much longer but we assumed it would improve.

Five days ago it began. The BIG SLEEP PROBLEM.

It began to take 40 minutes or more of walking, rocking and holding to get her into a deep sleep. Then after putting her in her crib she would wake up anywhere from 30 seconds to 30 minutes later howling and screaming in anger. (Not crying - screaming.) Naps became non-existent and I would spend 2 hours trying for morning nap and 2 hours trying for afternoon nap only to be completely sweaty and exhausted myself with an overtired and angry baby on my hands at the end of it. Nightime devolved from 3 wakeups lasting 10-20 minutes to 10 or more wake ups with at least two lasting an hour or more.

The night before last she stayed awake screaming in our arms from 1am-3:30am. She fell asleep for an hour and woke up for good at 5:00am SCREAMING.

We have been confused, frustrated, desperate. We have googled. We have emailed friends for help. We have traded off nights. We have tried to bring her into our bed where no one gets sleep. We have held through kicking, hitting, and biting. We have tried total darkness. White noise. Calming music. Baby rescue remedy. Warm baths. We went to the doctor and got antibiotics for a very light ear infection. After reading someone else's sleep post on a blog I tried praying over her and for her. Desperate prayers for deep sleep.

Nothing made it better. It got worse and worse and worse with the grand finale the night before last. Yesterday neither of us was functional. We were falling to pieces and so was she.

Confession. Last night we tried the cry it out method. Not recommended for adopted babies. Controversial for some. Not in my parenting plan (which involved cozy story times, snuggling in the Ergo, and co-sleeping) whatsoever.

Last night she refused to go to bed after 40 minutes of rocking. She was so wound up from being sleepless for so many days that she kept herself awake in our arms until 9:00pm. Crying, laughing, hitting, bouncing and sticking her fingers up our noses. (Sooo much fun.) We tried bottles. We tried singing. We even let her get down and play for awhile which only increased her adrenaline surge.

Finally I had her in a deep sleep. Then I put her down. Three times she woke up immediately upon touching the crib mattress and went from deep sleep to full angry scream in .1 second. On round three I confess. I was ready to throw her out the nursery window. Or something like that. I could feel my hands tightening on her little raging body in a less than soothing way. No matter how much empathy I feel for her. No matter how desperately I want to ease this for her. I just can't be a good mother on so little sleep.

I had to put her in the crib, turn on the monitor, close the door and walk away. Her howling was pure torture and I thought it would kill me. I sat on the couch and listened to her. My biggest fear was that this would go on for two hours or even more. But after 20 minutes it was just periodic baby swearing in our direction. And after 30 minutes it was a very infrequent grunt of anger. And at 35 minutes she was fast asleep.

She woke once and we changed her diaper and soothed her right back to sleep.

AND OTHER THAN THAT SHE SLEPT ALL NIGHT. Until 6:20am. And she woke up happy and giggling and hugging us. Not a care in the world. And. no. screaming!

So I confess. We went against all advice and conventional wisdom to save ourselves. And it worked. And now she is 45 minutes into morning nap and still sleeping soundly.

This is such a long and boring post for anyone reading without a sleep issue baby.

But to me this is a big day. It is the first morning I feel functional and it is the first morning we are cheerful and have hope that we can actually make it another 17 years of parenting this child we love.

~A

Day 2 - Baby in Blue

2010-06-30T08:23:00.000-07:00
We missed her that night and were so excited to bounce out of bed to get to her in the morning. But when we arrived at 10am she was sleepy again. After some holding and feeding in the baby room D was rubbing her eyes and it was obvious we should leave and come back later. We just could not figure out what time of day to visit when she wasn't exhausted.

I don't remember what we did in between visits. Sometimes we walked over to AAI/Layla house to get photos of kids that families had requested. Sometimes we went back to Kelley's house. Sometimes we went to a nearby restaurant. We yearned for her when we weren't with her and revisited every look, every head turn, every noise.

When we went back in the afternoon D was dressed in an enormous flowing blue dress. She was hesitant but we decided we needed to get her out of the nursery to work on bonding. This was my favorite visit. We took her into the little playground and I sat at the bottom of the slide holding her. We gave her a snack trap (the little cup with a plastic top with an opening big enough for little fingers to take out snacks) filled with cheerios. She couldn't figure it out at first but kept trying to poke her fingers in, shake it, even suck on the sides. It was pretty cute.

We got a few small smiles. J took her to the (less than safe) merry go round and slowly held her and pushed her around on it. More serious face. It was very hard to make her smile. Looking back I think she was feeling sick and very stressed.

(Look at that infected squinty left eye. It was bright pink and bumpy. Found out later it was part of her full body bacterial infection.)
A problem we kept experiencing was that when we were near the nannies they were constantly in her face, clapping, hugging, talking, feeding, over stimulating. They were just all over her. It was hard to push in and give her any attention. They did not encourage her to us enough. So we had to take her out of the baby room to do any bonding. But being out of her room was hard for her. It was a tough cycle.

I started to feel that my baby in blue was sick. She just was not the baby that Morgan had described to me. No sparkle or shine. No smiles. Just limp. With tightly clutching little hands. And I didn't think our visit was to blame. Something was going on....

~A

Day One - We Met Derartu

2010-06-26T21:13:00.000-07:00
June 1, 2010
I left Uganda on May 30th. At the airport Ethio.pian Airlines did not have my name on the confirmation list. Apparently they are serious when they recommend reconfirming your flight ahead of time. I guess I just hadn't believed it. The flight was booked and paid for - what on earth was I reconfirming? It caused an hour of panic and I'm pretty sure I stated several times "I AM MEETING MY BABY IN ADDIS" to the counter staff. That couldn't have made much sense to them. I imagine they were thinking I was a very irresponsible mother for sending my child alone and unaccompanied ahead of my own flight.

Worked out the flight situation, I arrived in Addis on Sunday evening and had to wait through Monday for J to arrive from the States.

A very wonderful and generous friend and her family took care of us during our 19 days in Ethiopia. Kelley picked me up from the airport, tucked me into her warm and cozy guest room (with soft guest bed and feather duvet) and I relaxed for 24 hours. I knew that the orphanage was within walking distance of the house but thankfully had no idea which direction.

I slept in for the LAST time that Monday morning. I slept until 9:30am (I am writing that with SUCH longing right now!) and then lounged in bed for another hour. Kelley's kids (Ben, Isabella and Simon) didn't know adults could sleep so long and thought I had died in my room. Bella called her mom to say that she thought something might be wrong with me. ;)

On Tuesday morning, June 1st, the sun was shining and I met J at the airport at 7:30am. It was SO good to see him after several weeks apart and after all of the intense anticipation for this day.
We went back to Kelley's house and ate yogurt and fruit sitting quietly on her front porch. J slept for awhile while I paced around watching the clock.

At 11am Kelley came home and drove us down the street to the orphanage. We thought we'd be meeting Derartu right away so as we arrived my heart was racing. I remember walking up to the office to let the director know that we were there and my palms were dripping sweat. We have it all on video but didn't really take any photos. In the video we are giggling and breathing heavily and looking very pasty and pale with fear. (Or at least I am.) Jeremy says he felt fine.

But all of that anticipation was for nothing. She wasn't there! She, and almost all the other children and nannies, were at the WWO for a doctor's appointment.

We took the time to walk around and watch lunch preparations as the director, Jambo, gave us a tour. I had been to the orphanage twice before but not in this new location.

Jambo walked us straight back to the baby room first. I was holding our little FLIP video camera as I walked and feeling fine knowing that she wasn't going to be in the room. But what was in the room completely took my breath away. It was our picture. The one we blew up to 8x11 and sent with another family at the end of March. We wrote on it and sent it off but were never sure if it made it to Derartu.

As we walked into the room my eyes landed right on the picture hanging over her little yellow crib. And I burst into tears. All these weeks we've been hanging right over her crib watching her.

We spent another 30 minutes waiting and pacing on the front porch. I was fine as long as I knew she wasn't there yet. Periodically we'd have a false alarm and rush to turn on the video camera.

Suddenly it was time. And the rest is really a beautiful blur. As evidenced by our complete lack of photos. I didn't want to be living this behind a camera. We have video that Kelley took but neither J or I took any still photos. I am a little regretful just for the sake of the blog and posterity. But I know that in my mind I have the pictures captured forever.

The van pulled in. Kids streamed out. Nannies carrying two babies were walking towards us. Kelley said "there she is." And I looked up and thought "what? that's her? Why don't I recognize her?"
Oops. I was looking at the wrong nanny/baby combination.

She was in the second nanny's arms. Serious face on. Chin tucked down. Big watchful eyes. We did not run to her or grab her. I could see all over her face that it had been a big morning at the doctor's and that she was tired and wary of us strangers.

The nanny brought her up the front porch steps and stopped. Derartu looked at me and at Jeremy. I touched her and talked to her. She eyed us suspiciously. The nanny posed for the video camera for eternity. Finally she encouraged Derartu into my arms and our foreheads touched. We just stayed like that looking at each other. Then I brought her into a cuddle on my shoulder. She was so little and so watchful and wearing just the funniest little boy's baseball outfit.

There was no ceremony to it. No special instructions. No fanfare. This orphanage doesn't do things the same way as the agency transition homes for babies. It was both disappointing and reality.

We spent another hour visiting with Derartu in the baby room. I held her while she ate pasta in milk. She liked to clap for herself between bites which is something she still enjoys doing. She was so droopy and sleepy though. I gave her a bottle and we decided to say goodbye and return after naptime for another visit.
(Derartu liked looking at the photos I brought - all pictures of her and the nannies that we'd received from traveling friends.)
After her nap we came back and she was all dressed up in the infamous pink dress! This is a dress the nannies apparently love putting on her which was loathed by Morgan and her mom Jackie while they were there volunteering. We have a LOT of photos of Derartu in the pink dress. I thought it was very appropriate that our first afternoon with her be spent in the pink dress. :)
(Wearing her pink dress and "disgusted" face. She never cried with us but we could tell she was not easily impressed...)
We walked with Derartu around the yard. We touched her feet to grass. We talked to her and gave her some yogurt melts. (Despised them but enjoyed smearing them around the pink dress.) We spent time with Justin, Melissa, their family and baby Galeta whom they had just picked up. We took a photo of Derartu and Galeta under a tree together before they said goodbye.

She was very serious. She was concerned about spending so much time outside. Once we took her back into her nursery, into the familiar, she came alive again and showed us how she could crawl and play. It was a good lesson learned. She needed some time to adjust with us in the familiar. We spent the rest of the day playing on the floor with her and the toddlers who enjoyed climbing all over Jeremy's shoulders and back.

(By the time we said goodbye on day one she had warmed up to daddy quite a bit!)
Blur. Not nearly enough family photos. Blur. THE day went by in a flash.

~A

P.S. I am sacrificing extremely valuable sleep time tonight to write this. Waiting for her midnight wake up cry. Oh. I think I hear it! We are so sleep deprived.

We are not ourselves.

2010-06-22T08:28:00.000-07:00
I. Have acute bronchitis. (Read, heaving gagging cough that keeps me from sleeping, sucks my breath away and wakes her up just as we are rocking into a nap.)

She. Is angry and confused and not herself at all. I'm glad we had 19 days together in Ethiopia so I know that this is not her true personality. But knowing that doesn't make me feel better about it. I feel bad that we have put her in a position of feeling so turned upside down. She is wearing the serious owl face a lot. And I swear she is cursing in Amharic at us. She lets out a string of baby curses with mamamama and daddada thrown in just so we know they are directed at us.

We. Are not at all ourselves. Passing ships in the night. Communication has come down to shushing, pointing, and annoyed eyes. Both of us are tired and our balance is off which means we frequently step on each other or bump into each other in our tiny kitchen. I am missing laughter and making dinner together and walks around the lake. I am trying to have faith that we'll get back there. Plus one.

Here is how I envisioned our first weeks home together.
- I would create incredible artistic adoption announcements and mail off at least 100 to closest friends and family.
- We would take a gorgeous family photo shoot in the local park.
- The yard would be green and lucious and we would frolic in the baby pool.
- Every evening we would take a long stroll together as a family.

Here is the ugly reality.
- We have a stack of bills and mail a mile high that neither of us have time to open.
- My camera card is full but no photos have been saved or labeled and no waiting families have received the pictures I promised them.
- The minutes go by slowly but the day flies by in a blur of dirty diapers, smeared yogurt in the hair, naptime rocking, and conversations about when the lawn is actually going to get mowed and amazement over how the weeds have taken over. There will be no sweet yard lounging or baby pooling anytime soon.
- Presents arrive and within minutes of opening them I have forgotten who sent them. The thought of sending thank you cards seems unimaginably hard.
- We are frequently arguing over what to feed her during that precious hour when we had hoped to be strolling as a family. Instead we are making airplane food noises and cajoling her to eat so we can just go to bed already.

Oh real life. Why does it have to worm its way into the daydream and mess everything up?!

While Ethiopia was a gigantic challenge at least there was no pressure. No pressure to cook, clean, run errands, mow the lawn, answer the phone, answer emails, blog, write thank you cards, water the plants, feed the dogs, go to the bank, open bills. I am overwhelmed by real life with a baby who is a barnacle of confusion, need and anger.

Since I am not responding to emails or answering the phone (I don't have a voice anyway) - here are photos and a big thank you for the meals, calls, presents, and emails. Someday I will respond. And someday I will blog about the trip. And someday I assume we will be ourselves again.

~A

There is no place like home!

2010-06-20T14:19:00.001-07:00
We are home in Denver.
I have no eloquent words to share. I may never write anything coherent again.

Lack of sleep, lost brain cells, dry heaving cough, and limited time on the computer without little hands grabbing grabbing everywhere = photo post. You know that's what you want anyway.

On March 1, 2010 her old soul eyes and thin arms had us quite worried. (Referral photo taken mid February.)

On March 3, 2010 this photo put our minds at ease.

And this photo made my heart leap.
One hundred and twenty seven is the number of pictures we received from friends, contacts and aquaintences between March 1st - June 1st. A big number but never enough to fill the hole of waiting, wondering and worrying.
We met our little girl on June 1st, 2010 and took her "home" with us in Ethiopia on June 3rd, 2010. We will never call that day "Gotcha Day." That phrase just seems too glib for the giant, terrifying, overwhelming transition we asked Derartu to make with us. Staying in Ethiopia for three weeks was very hard. There was no quick or fast break from nannies, other children, or staff and so there were many difficult moments along the way and many tiny heartbreaks for D. And for us.
For now a random selection of pictures. We'll go back to the beginning later when I have more time.
Day 1 afternoon. Our meeting timed with Justin and Melissa's meeting baby Galeta, Derartu's friend from the orphanage baby room. (Yes Morgan - she's in THAT dress again!)

Day 2 afternoon. Worried eyes. She was really sick but we didn't know it yet.

Day 3 morning. She took turns sleeping on us. I can't imagine how sick she was feeling. Turns out she had acute bronchitis, raging bacterial infection, eye infection, and two different fungal infections.
Day 6? Taken sometime after she started her medications and began showing her true silly self.

Day 14 afternoon. She loved Dinkanesh - Kelley's kids' nanny at the house.

Day 17 morning. Our last full day in Ethiopia. Celebrating with some traditional dress!
~A

Home tomorrow!

2010-06-18T05:22:00.000-07:00
I haven't really received any more updates from A, but I'm sure she wants you all to know that their embassy appointment did happen on Wednesday and that they're heading home today. I think they get in tomorrow! So I'm sure that actual posts from A and lots and lots of cute pictures are not far off now.

Update from Ethiopia--Friday, June 11

2010-06-11T15:44:00.000-07:00
This morning was D's last TB sputum test. Last day of getting up before 5am. Last day of intubation. We are all relieved and hoping that next Tuesday we hear good results.

We visited with Jon and Jess and baby Dawit this afternoon which was a lot of fun. D loved being with another baby and seeing some new toys. We've realized she is advanced for the silly rattles and baby things we brought. She's dying for some stacking blocks, shape sorters, and puzzles! Now when we try to give her a "baby toy" she throws it and gives us an angry look. Too boring!

I am feeling a lot better. Still coughing but every day gets better. D is breathing totally normally and her runny nose is just about gone. Fungal infections are clearing up. All in all looking really good! But I do feel really worried about bringing her back to the orphanage next Thursday for the going away party. I just don't want anyone kissing her. No more sickness please!! Jeremy unfortunately is getting sick now. He has lost his voice completely. He's hanging in there and trying to be strong but I am worried about him. We may have to make another visit to the Swedish clinic. :( I really can't imagine what I'll do if he goes down and is as sick as I was. He worked so hard while I was in bed. Scary to think of doing all of that myself.

So it looks like if the TB test is normal then we are definitely flying home Friday night. We have an embassy appointment on Wednesday. Amazing what can be done when you know people in the right places!

Today we made good progress on bonding with D. She thinks we are very funny and she keeps her eyes on Jeremy wherever he goes. We call him "the big guy". We were set back by my sickness and I think several days of ignoring her and laying comotose in bed made her a little suspicious of my intentions. But we'll get back on track. Today was fun. She loves to kiss, try to stand and walk, and move to the music. SHe always looks to see if we are watching and then smiles to herself to find that she's the center of our universe.

Nightime is harder. She wants to be rocked or walked to sleep and if she wakes up and we wait too long to pick her up, well...not good in her book. She goes from cute sleepy sounds to angry angry squalling in 2 seconds flat. We are getting decent sleep in between though. Hopefully it gets better at home. I think each day is so full of experiences that she can't process them all at night and she gets confused and upset. We definitely need DOWN TIME once we get home!

update from Ethiopia--from A's mom

2010-06-09T21:08:00.000-07:00

hi there,...Bekah again. Here's an update through A's mom...

Hi everyone!

I'm writing to let you know that A has been very sick since Saturday evening - some awful bacterial infection. She's on antibiotics and is doing better - now has a bad cough. So that's why there have been no updates since then!

She is hopeful that they can all leave Ethiopia on the 19th....the big IF is whether or not D has TB. So that's the big prayer request - please pray that she does NOT have TB.

So far J is holding up and hasn't gotten sick - in fact, he's been taking D to her early morning (6:00 am!) doctor's visit the last couple days where she's been having tests done for the TB. They think they'll get the results on Monday since the tentative embassy visit is next Wednesday.

A is hopeful she'll be able to be on line tomorrow....she's back "in the land of the living" again.

Update from Ethiopia--Today, June 6

2010-06-06T11:40:00.001-07:00
And last for now, this is from today...

Had to wake D up for meds at 6:30am. It's funny to me that she loves to sleep so much. A baby after my own heart. Hopefully it isn't just because she's sick. She was very happy for the morning and ate a good breakfast (we found a rich sweet creamy baby rice that she loves.) She really likes to clap for herself after each bite. It's hilarious and keeps all of us around the breakfast table laughing. But I am worried that she isn't eating enough. Fresh fruits and cooked veggies are not her favorites. She seems to only like mac and cheese and injera.

I think J is going to change his ticket to stay with me. Honestly I don't know how single mothers do this. I am exhausted. Right now it is 5pm and both Derartu and I are ready for bed. Also the medicine schedule is very grueling, the appointments have us running around a lot, and I just cannot picture both of us making it home without J. I am pretty sure we'd end up asleep at Heathrow and miss our connection. D is growing up each day before our eyes. It's fun to see. She is bright and funny and enjoys absolutely every new experience. She is really into giving kisses today and had to give them to everyone around her. Big sloppy heart shaped lip kisses.

Tomorrow we are going back to the orphanage to attend her fellow baby's going away party. I think D's going away party is still a week or two away. I am a little nervous about how she'll react to the nannies. I can't even predict. I hope she is sweet to them but doesn't want to GO to them...! Ok, thunder and lightning starting up again. It's like this every late afternoon. Have to try to check a few other emails before I drop from exhaustion.

Update from Ethiopia--June 5

2010-06-06T11:32:00.000-07:00
This is from yesterday...

Yesterday morning we took D for her doctor's appointment at 7am and he stood us up. We had to DRAG the baby out of bed, give her the meds (she took them drop by drop since she was so tired and didn't care) and get ourselves ready and be there that early for nothing. I was too tired to be livid but am pretty pissed off now. They told us he had a late evening so decided to come at 10am instead. There weren't any taxis available in rush hour so we had to WALK her back to Kelley's about a mile away. And please remember no sidewalks, walking alongside the road, in the dirt, over rocks, in between goats and other icky morning traffic. White parents, Ethiopian child. Not allowed to walk the roads per agency rules. Very conspicuous. Awful.

Got home and Kelley made us an appointment with her doctor at the Swedish clinic which is the best in town and the only one the NGO families trust with their kids. We went and they saw us right away. The doctor examined her and found the following quite a few issues she's dealing with. So she is on 4 new medicines now. Fortunately we have found that if she is sleepy she doesn't fight the medicine. She sort of rolls her eyes back and compliantly takes the drops. So cute.

After spending 3+ hours at the doctor's office we came home, fed her lunch and after eating a big yummy noodle lunch followed by applesauce she promptly vomited EVERYTHING out. Right into the bottom bib pocket. So convenient! But we were sad that she had an empty stomach again. We've been heavily relying on formula to fill her up since we can't seem to find any solids that she loves. We'll keep trying.

Anyway, two minutes after vomit episode we get a call from our adoption agency saying that we can go to immigration to apply for her passport THAT AFTERNOON. So we rush over to the agency and drive with the social worker and some other kids (normally the workers do this with the kids before parents come) and then sit in the 7th circle of hell for 3 hours waiting for her passport photo. It was POURING rain. About 10,000 people in line circling the building. No bathrooms. SIGH. Awful. She was so good though. She has much more patience for the bureacracy here than we do. She had a ba (bottle), batted her eyelashes at people, clapped together her stacking cups (best purchase ever - she is addicted to them) and behaved well.

We were SO tired. Have I mentioned that her first night with us she slept 12 hours (with 3 wake ups) and we slept ZERO? Could. not. sleep. Awful. Got about 6 hours last night. She got 13. Something seems wrong here. Aren't we supposed to be sleeping when she sleeps? Ok, where am I? So 7th circle of hell ended with her taking the cutest passport photo ever. I am sure when she hits immigration when we land in the US they will automatically pronounce her America's Next Top Supermodel!

We came home, dinner, she was asleep by 6pm and slept until 7am. Only 2 wake ups for stinky diaper changes and one bottle. It was a hard day. But the good news was that we saw her birth certificate finally. (Not a real one, the fake they make for adoptions.) They assigned her July 18, 2009 as her birthday. Not even a remote possibility since she is so obviously one already. (She's getting pretty enthused to try and walk.) But nice that we will get to celebrate with her at
with friends. Today was much better. She's been feeling peppier. We went to the Bunkers' international school in the am to walk the track, play with the kids on the playground and enjoy the beautiful landscaping. So peaceful. I was glad to feel like we got out of the city even though we were still here. It's an oasis. D slept and then played beautifully on a blanket. She's very silly after nap time. Lots of peek a boo, clapping for herself, grinning, pretending to hand a toy and then snatch it back, giving high five, etc. She makes everyone laugh and the best thing is that she finds HERSELF funny. You can tell! ;)

More side note. It's fun to see her have firsts. First look in a mirror and she was in love. She waved bye bye to herself. First kiss on the lips with me. She wanted more and more and more! She and I slept for 3 hours this afternoon. J picked up some hair cream for her and some other little things. (Her hair is thick and very tight little corkscrews. It takes a ton of hair cream to keep it curly and not frizzy.) Now J is entertaining her with pieces of fruit and I am finally on the computer for a few minutes. I have a work report due on Thurs if you can believe it. I don't have internet in my room or anything so time on the computer is limited.

Update from Ethiopia--June 3

2010-06-06T11:24:00.000-07:00
Hi there. Bekah again. Here's an update from June 3rd, Thursday...

WE HAVE D ! This morning we went at 9am for our visit. She loved being outside. D fell instantly asleep and napped on our laps for almost two hours while we chatted and took photos and got to know another family here. Then we talked to our agency's office down the street to ask about her paperwork. We were told it still wasn't processed (birth cert and court decree have to come from the court before you can take custody.) They didn't give us a lot of hope for it to be done until next week. Then also told us that we had to go to the embassy to do a ton of paperwork since J won't be with me on the 30th for my embassy appointment. Then told me I had to go to the ET embassy to extend my visa since it expires on the 30th. And told me that an extension would be very hard to get. AAAACK. SO frustrating. But then a half an hour later they called and said they have her birth cert (can't wait to find out tomorrow what birth date she was assigned) and her court decree! So we went back int he afternoon and picked her up!

Amazing.And our friend we are staying with has a friend at the state dept. who she will call to see if we can bypass the two week rule and get into an embassy appointment by mid month. I so hope that works. Please pray we can all go home together and not do all of the additional npaperwork and hassle.

Anyway, J went to pick up D and wait for me. (I was in a work meeting.) He waited 45 minutes alone and D pitched her first fit as the nannies went home for the night. By the time I got there he was standing forlornly in the driveway of the orphanage, D looking angry in his arms, kids swarming him. Not a good sight. We hustled them into the car and took off.

D had her first bath and loved it. Loved splashing. Was a trooper getting hair washed. Snuggled into jammies. Ate. Spit all of her medicine out. :( But then went into her peapod (thanks Jack!!!) at 6:30pm and went straight to sleep holding my hand. Easy. So far. Now we will see how the night goes. She has all sorts of various minor ailments we've realized that all have to be looked at by a doctor at 7am tomorrow. Hope that goes ok. For a second opinion we will go to Kelley's international doctor early next week. That is all from here. No easy way to upload photos. Sorry. :( Use your imagination.

Updates from Ethiopia--Day One and Two

2010-06-06T07:49:00.000-07:00
Dearest family and friends of A and J,
Hi there! I'm Bekah and I'm a friend of A and J's from their church. You can check out my blog at www.oneyearofinjera.com. I'm certain that many of you are anxious to get an update on how their new little family is doing. But A has had a hard time getting onto the blog to post, so I'm going to post some of her email updates from the last few days here... I'll start with the day they met (June 1, I think) and then post the rest of the updates over today and tomorrow. Unfortunately, I'm not able to give you all what I know you really want... PICTURES! I don't think they've been able to upload any yet. But hopefully some of those will come soon. Enjoy...

From an email on June 2 (the day after they met D):

Quick summary of Day 1. Sweaty palms. J just off plane. Got to her care center and she wasn't there - at doctor's. Cried a lot in her room when I saw our photo over her bed. Pulled it together for her arrival. Met her getting off the van. She was very tired but let us hold her and ooh and ahh over her. Totally surreal out of body experience. The whole thing. Can't remember even a minute of yesterday. Glad we have it on video.

Day 2 - today.

Went to the care center at 10am and met a very sleepy D. Apparently she takes a morning nap at 10:30 or so. Wow. Spent half an hour with her. Fed her some cereal, changed diaper, etc. When the nanny went out of the room I quickly checked her temp and it was 97 so that's good! After yesterday (limp, sweaty, lifeless in the afternoon) I was sure she was running a fever. Also she had blood drawn the day before so I wonder if made her feel a little sick. Anyway, still a little chest rattle but not disastrous and nothing I would make a fuss about here. I think she'll be fine until we go home. Definitely a little respiratory thing though. All the kids have it. When we got there at 10am even though she was sleepy she gave us a big smile and really made great eye contact.

We left her to sleep and went to change money, wander this "mall" place, go to lunch at a yummy European place, and buy a few groceries like J's juice he likes and honey to replace all the honey I've been eating at Kelley's on yogurt and tea. Then we rested for a bit and went back at 3pm. Stayed until 5pm. She was SUPER happy to see us when we came back. BIG smiles, clapping, waving. She was getting her diaper changed and I think the cool air on bare legs made her cheerful. Then of course they put a million layers on her and she got progressively limper and sweatier. Poor kid. Kelley has a baby pool so we'll make use of that and the baby swimsuit when we get her here.

Anyway, we took her out by herself to the play area and sat on the slide with her. Gave her the snack trap cup (from you mom!) and she learned to pull out cheerios and yogurt melts. She was SO proud. We would yell Bravo, Yay!! And she would smile and smile and then try again. She dropped half but had fun. She is good with her fingers and she loved the cup so much. She liked to chew it too. Then we went for a slow ride on the merry go round. She clutched it tightly but didn't cry. Then we stuck tongues out, sang some songs, clapped a bit, etc. We are a dog and pony show for her. When we stop she gets a distant look or a sad look or sinks down a bit. Have to keep up the happy play or she gets nervous. She is much more comfortable back on the floor of the baby room. My guess is she doesn't get outside a lot. It's a weird world to her. Grass is a totally foreign concept to her feet. So when we went back in she would hand me toys and then snatch them away. AND when she was being held by her nanny she turned and reached to come back to me. Ahhhh. It was heavenly. I am sure we are breaking the nannies' hearts little by little but what can we do?

Other than that we admired her curls which are pure soft perfection. Noticed her semi dimples - when she smiles big. Tickled the bottom of her feet. And all around made fools of ourselves. As evidenced by AWFUL photos of us. In every photo we are white and sweaty and grinning and pathetic. It's honestly funny. She of course always looks perfect.

She hasn't cried yet at all. I am curious when/if that will come.

We still don't get custody until next week. It is going to be torture.

We said the little mantra "it's ok if we don't feel anything right away, love comes in time, etc etc" yadda yadda yadda. HAH! WE ARE BOTH SMITTEN fools. Fools. It is great though. No worries. We are in love and she is coming around. ;) J can't stop talking about her. It's cute. I shouldn't embarrass him though. He is losing the attempt to remain masculine. I'm pretty sure he played This Little Piggy on her toes today.

Three more sleeps

2010-05-29T03:57:00.001-07:00

and then...

she
is one of we!

~A

Malawi (one week later)

2010-05-27T06:07:00.000-07:00

4:58am

Sound of morning muezzin call to prayer.

Today I leave Lilongwe and tonight I’ll be in Kampala, Uganda.

Slightly sunburned,
A bag of red dust covered clothes,
Mind more fully aware of the refining power of pain and hardship.

If I were to say one thing about this week I would say that pain and suffering are a part of life, allowing them to shape us in beautiful ways demands that we seek God’s help more than man’s.

I’ve seen some ugly in the pain here:

the 24 year old girl so wasted from AIDS that her head is smaller than the head of her 2 year old daughter.
the 24 year old girl whose husband abandons her every year after his annual visit to impregnate her.

the fact that all you see in the villages are young women and old women, there are almost no women in the 30-50 age range anymore.

the 12 year old village girl who was being raped by her uncle and father and suffering it silently.
the 14 year old slum girl wracked with TB who coughs so hard and so much that she can’t sleep anymore and just lays wrapped in a sheet on her porch in the slum.

But there is beauty in the pain and beauty in the faithfulness of others here too.

the husband who is standing by his 24 year old wife as she dies of AIDS and the women’s group who comes to visit her and carry her water.

the widow’s group that finds joy in singing and dancing and learning money making skills; the group that embraces an abandoned 24 year old mother of 3.

the young girls and the old women of the villages who have been empowered to take back their lives and their children. Who are standing tall proud of their businesses and healthy children.
the neighbor trained in rape intervention and counseling who identifies rape victims and works to bring the perpetrators to justice.
the grandmother who took in her granddaughter when no one else would and the HIV home based care support group that bikes the child 10 kilometers to the clinic several times each week.

You have pain and beauty wrapped so closely together here that sometimes you can’t see where one ends and the other begins.

5:22am

~A

We Passed! She Passed!

2010-05-25T06:52:00.000-07:00
We are hers and she is ours forever. Third try was a charm.
Or maybe it was the fervent prayers I sent up from her side of the ocean.

I was sitting at dinner last night in Gulu (Uganda) with two other women.
Eating fried rice, chapatis and fresh avocado. Fighting a very nervous stomach.
Cell phone on table.

I couldn't keep my eyes off the clock and couldn't stop calculating the time it would take for an email from Ethiopia to go to our coordinator in Wyoming and then to Jeremy to get back to me via text in Uganda.

Then I got it. The text. My new favorite word: PASSED!

I wept with huge relief. Stomach instantly better. Appetite suddenly huge.

She is a perfect tiny ball of sunshine. She is radiant. She is the happy one.
She is OURS.

~A

Test post

2010-05-15T15:41:00.001-07:00
Just testing to see if I can post remotely from email...

Our first photo of three

2010-05-12T19:18:00.000-07:00

Look who finally got her welcome bag? Just in time!

Jeremy informed me that a baby's bottom two teeth are the first to come in.
Look who's been reading his What to Expect: the first year book!

Talay captured and ate the slingshot piggy from our shower today.
She's feeling very passive aggressive about the nursery full of untouchable toys.

Cassidy licked the highchair legs today.
She's spending a lot of time daydreaming about baby food dripping from that chair.

We are SO ready!!
It's just happened. Just ready all of a sudden.
The wait is really a refining fire.
~A

Getting Close

2010-05-11T21:34:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that in exactly 21 days I will be looking at this little face - in person!
I can't believe that on Saturday I board a flight that will take me to HER side of the world.
Every day it draws closer. Every day I finish one more thing on the to do list that brings me closer to her.
Today we finally zipped up her suitcase. We added some diapers, then subtracted them one at a time until we brought the weight to exactly 50 pounds. It was quite the process. I highly recommend buying a little hand scale at the luggage store. I don't know how we would have done without it.
I really want to post photos of the amazing nursery furniture J is making. But only the crib is done. How are we this far behind? We had so much time to prepare but I waffled way too much on daybed with side rails vs. crib. (Just not sure she'll sleep in this crib since we're cosleeping in our room. But a crib seemed too sweet to pass up.)
We are working through that room one little piece at a time. Hung curtain rods last week. Tonight ironed and hung ONE out of four curtain panels.
As a side note, this weekend I was at P.o.t.t.ery B.arn K.i.ds and ARE YOU KIDDING me? They seriously charge $69/panel for NURSERY CURTAINS? We bought 4 perfect white panels for the two windows at B.ed B.a.th and Beeeeeeyond for $40 total. I mean, some things are worth the money. But baby curtains for $280? No.
I think I am going to have to accept "mostly done" instead of perfect in that room. J will finish the dresser this week but the nightstand and corner piece may be postponed. And wall decor... only half planned. I still need the perfect mirror.
I really want to post one last picture post before I leave so that is motivating me to finish it all up asap! :) If only we had an I.k.e.a. in this town!!
No other thoughts here tonight. It's been a very long ride. The end isn't in site. But the beginning of life with D is very very close. And that is good enough.
~A
PS. Can I post that photo at the top with both eyes? I know one body part at a time is ok. Anyone want to weigh in on the "rules?" Can you tell I'm getting lax? Just seems to me like we SHOULD have PASSED court and I should be allowed to post full photos by now. Just saying.

Baby Shower

2010-05-09T08:40:00.000-07:00

Yellow cake with chocolate frosting: "And Baby Makes Three"

Thoughtful presents in a pink wagon for D!

Games even the guys could enjoy

And a crazy oinking piggy slingshot toy!
A baby Bear to make the day bright

And this special family home from a very long flight.

My only request was mimosas and I got a full bar!

Peach, mango, or orange, our glasses never strayed very far.
Friends tall and small, both girls and the boys

came to celebrate D and share in our joy.

These sweet little friends taste tested the cake

Miles took his job seriously and proclaimed it just great!

A clothesline of onesies was a very big hit

And this book made us cry...just a little bit.

There was laughter

And tears

Food

and dear friends

It was a wonderful day. THANK YOU.

The End.

Baby Shower for Baby D - Highlands Church friends
Location: J2Q's House, Stapleton
Date: May 8, 2010 3-5pm (actually left at 6:45pm oops!)
Hosts: Lisa and Ryan Crane, Nicole and Horacio Morales, Joe Quinlinn and Jonathan Queck
(There was a time when I thought I'd never have a baby shower.)
I wrote this post.
Despite failing court again, I am happy. We'll get there.

Failed Again

2010-05-07T08:13:00.000-07:00
I have no words. I have many words. I have words that are not appropriate for a family-friendly blog. Maybe I should go private so I can say the words I have in mind? J and I are saying a lot of them this morning.

Alternating tears, g.oogling, emailing, and cursing.

The letter for D's court case was not written. Because the ministry writing those letters was closed on Wednesday and Thursday. And that is where I'll stop describing the situation. Because I have extreme new found paranoia that ministry officials DO read these blogs and believe me, I still have an interest in making sure we are in favor with them.

But insert words here. Many words.

The worst part? We are rescheduled for May 24th.
G.oogle May, 2010, Ethiopia.
Elections will be held on May 23rd. Last time elections were held in 2005 over 200 people were killed in the streets. There is not a chance that this ministry who writes the letters will be open on the 23rd. So unless they miraculously change their way and write the letter ahead of time, we will not be passing on the 24th.

I want to know how it is even remotely acceptable to reschedule anyone's court case for the week of parliamentary elections? We KNOW that the courts won't be open. Judges are not going to want to go to work with possible riots and murders in the streets around their buildings. Puhlease. An insult to our intelligence.

So scratch us passing on the 24th. And now what? What are we facing? I don't know.
I do know that I will be living in Addis during the rainy season (summer) instead of here in gorgeous (insert my city) in the Rockies hiking and swimming and having fun with her. I do know I'll be wasting all of my "maternity leave" holed up in a compound since adoptive parents cannot be out in public with their children.

I do know that we won't be able to take custody of her until court documents are produced. So it will be an indefinite wait in Addis.

Honestly I am furious. I am so over this. One failure was to be expected. Two failures, well frustrating but it happens. But KNOWING that the third time will be a failure is not ok. (I have many many more words to use for that so don't mistake my wimpy "not ok" for being cool, calm or collected over this.)

I don't know what else to say. Have I said that I am arriving in Addis on May 30th? I just couldn't, couldn't be within a 2 hour flight of her and not go. But now what? No end in site. I just don't know. I hate thinking about it. Maybe it will all be easier when I am there. It honestly couldn't be harder. I hope.

~A

Sophie found, court tomorrow

2010-05-06T15:18:00.000-07:00
Oh the power of the interwebs!
I have a Sophie donation on the way. :)
Thank you to Rachael! Who is Tariku's mom. Who was D's cribmate her first two weeks in care. (Cue appropriate Lion King Circle of Life type music.)

It is 2am in Addis Ababa. By now either MOWA has or has not written the letter for D's court case. Lots of prayers were said. Now we move on to next set of prayers: that the judge reading/hearing her case in the morning will pass us all and declare us her parents. She's ours in our hearts. It would be so nice to have her be ours legally. And we'd love to be able to share her pictures with you!

~A

Sophie. Giraffe.

2010-05-05T22:45:00.000-07:00
Does anyone have a Sophie the Giraffe you can loan me or sell to me used? I realize these giraffe/squeaky toys lose their use after teething ends so am hoping to find one gathering dust at someone's house that I can bring to Ethiopia to woo Baby D with.

US: "Looky here D - oooh, a squeaky giraffe you can chew on!"

D thinking to self: "Um, isn't that a dog toy? Why are they trying to impress me with a dog toy?!"

US: "No, we swear. It is THE toy to have in France if you are a gummy drooling baby."

Sounds ludicrous I know, but look it up online. It is beloved by the littles far and wide. And I saw one in action last week. I'm impressed.

Still don't want to spend $20+ on one. And I have one week to figure this out. So if yours is not chewed to pieces and is gathering drooly dust somewhere please let me know.

~A

I'm Ok, You're Ok, We're Ok

2010-05-04T13:49:00.001-07:00
I know I completely disappeared.
I am not crying in a closet somewhere.

Court attempt #2 is this Friday and I am feeling much more confident about this one!

Last week I flew to Minnesota and spent the week healing through good twin cities vibes.
I was working too of course. But just being there, in the lush green of humid spring, with the smell of lilacs in the air, soooo close to my childhood house, my elementary school, jr. high, high school, and college, connecting with old friends and new colleagues, was so cathartic.

I have a lot of posts in my head. But I leave for Malawi on May 15th. That sounds so far away until I calculate it this way - I leave one week from Saturday. ACK!! Panic setting in!!

Ok, ok. Calming down. I leave on May 15th. Fine. I can do that. What is this? It's still April right? Feeling better.... even if I am in denial and not looking at the calendar.

So I am trying to plug away at the to do list. Divided into work, baby, travel, home, health, dogs. Wow.

Will post my 'Minnesota is amazing' post as soon as I can.

Thank you for all of the support as we crashed and burned our court date last Monday.

~A

FAIL- rescheduled may 7th.

2010-04-26T08:55:00.001-07:00

FAIL- rescheduled may 7th.

2010-04-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

Is happy just too easy?

2010-04-24T21:33:00.000-07:00
I am anxious.
It's been building.

I cried at a work related dinner meeting 2 weeks ago. Yes, you read that right. My colleagues were pushing me about my summer plans, my plans for childcare, my plans for attachment and bonding...on and on and on. Some things were questioned. I became defensive. Then some kind words were said. And the tears started dripping everywhere.

I wrote it out to someone yesterday.
I said it aloud to someone today.
My chewed up bottom lip is a sure giveaway. But I smile and try really hard.

Our court date is tomorrow night and that could be a piece of it.
But it's more than that.

It isn't about the chee.rios or the baby socks or the name. It's bigger. I can't put it into words. Please don't ask me to explain. I feel like I should feel happy. But happy is not all it is cracked up to be I think. Happy is easy. Adoption is just so damn complex.

~A

Baby Dream Drama-with EDIT NOTE

2010-04-20T23:19:00.000-07:00

It is 12:20am.
Every time I close my eyes instead of drifting into peaceful sleep I find myself running through a to do list of practicalities and ridiculous things that need to be considered, that if written out would stretch all the way from here to Ethiopia.

The annoying thing is that the nightime to do list is so unimportant.

Some of the things that have taken over my brain - honest to God I would not even normally find these things important enough to stress about in day time:

- must remember to buy a huge box of C.heerios to pack to win over D's affections...but how will I fit a huge box of C.heerios in my luggage...how much does a box of C.heerios weigh...will said C.heerios be too crushed if I pack them in just the plastic bag...should I get goldfish too...every baby loves goldfish...how many teeth does she have...what on earth will I feed her in ET...a 12 month old doesn't just eat formula right...how does a parent figure these things out...what if we end up starving her because I can't cook sweet potatos and carrots and other baby food goodness in Ethiopia...should I bring more snacks...what if we run out of C.heerios before we get on the plane home...we need to make sure to reserve some for that return trip...

and on and on and on and on

- i think we need more socks. how many pairs of socks does a 12 month old need...will it be cold in June in ET...I think it is cold there...rainy season...i packed those three pairs of new cute flowered socks in their packaging...must remember to remove them and actually wash them...what is the harm in not washing before wearing...does that cause skin problems...could she be allergic to american detergent...if so would it be better to not wash everything before packing...i like the socks packaging...oh no, all three pairs are colors...we need some white socks...thick white socks because it could be cold..will three pairs be enough...should i get them at T.arget...everyone says i need tr.umpette socks...must add to list...what if her feet are chronically cold because we forget socks...does a baby wear socks under footie pajamas? Does a 12 month old wear shoes? We haven't even bought any shoes!

(oh my goodness, when I went online to find a photo of trum.pette socks I found these and fell madly in love. how cute are these socks???!!!)

and on and on and on

Lately I've also added baby name drama:

- we both like the name A--- with her name...but what if it sounds icky with our last name...our last name causes so many problems...how many ways can i think of to distorte the name A---when combined with our last name...what about a nickname...does the nickname M--- remind us too much of another friend with a similar name...what will people think if we add a name that isn't Ethiopian...are both names meaningful enough...what if the nickname we use is Ethiopian...what if she doesn't look like any of the names we've thought of when we get her...what if we formally change her name but end up calling her D anyway...what a waste of time spent on names and forms...does the name D feel signficant...if we change something about it will it tie her to the community well enough...how many names can i run through in my mind before circling back to A---*??
* I do realize now that I see it in writing that the name we are considering looks oddly like my name and the nickname bizarrely like the nickname I had as a child. This was purely coincidence and I swear they are not the same names.
And on and on and on
Maybe my mind can't turn off because it's just too scared to sleep these days. Every. single. night. I dream about Baby D. Long, dramatic, emotional, heavy, stressful, sagas that play out through the course of the night leaving me tired and crabby in the morning.

A few nights ago I had THE WORST dream.

I was in a meeting. Of course it was in a strange place - a bright blue room, in a 60's diner, around a formica table, that was sort of somehow in the eating nook of my own kitchen. Of course.

The meeting was taking place between myself, a social worker, and another prospective adoptive parent. And the meeting was to inform me that actually, even though I had made it all the way to Ethiopia to get D, I was not finished with the process yet. Another mother had been chosen for her and D was likely to go with her unless I could answer a series of questions to the social worker's satisfaction. Questions involved describing the history of the Queen of Sheba, explaining the meaning of D's name, and successfully answering other Ethiopian trivia.

In this dream I was so upset. Crying, shaking, and in total disbelief that this was happening. (I have dreamtime PTSD from the T situation of last summer I think!)

Now my body and mind are scared to fall asleep. :(

Instead of laying in bed tossing and turning I thought I'd hop up and write this blog post. I really think the benefit of blogging is that once you lay something out in writing, it can be easier to clear your head and move on. I hope that's true tonight.

~A
ADDED in the AM:
Am really appreciating the comments!
Would not normally be so totally obsessed over these details (when I travel there for myself I am not at all worried about what I will eat or wear!) but because I plan to fly to ET in early June whether we have an embassy date or not I am worried about caring for her for 2,3,4? weeks there. First time mom, plus not great access to the resources and options I would have here, plus feeling a little nervous that if we get "stuck" there I will be flying home alone with her since J can't spend an endless amount of time in the country...
Add all of that to the need to get her packed up before I leave for S. Africa on May 14th without knowing her height or weight or shoe size or diaper size or formula brand (can't seem to get the agency to answer emails about these questions) and the stress is on.
Any packing suggestions are appreciated.
I've been told I will get a health and size update immediately before I am scheduled to travel. But I am not being a good sheep and following the typical plan. So I won't be "scheduled" to travel on their timeline. I have emailed several people at the agency about this - to let them know that I am going to ET the first week of June, packing now, leaving soon, need to know some basic basic info, etc and have gotten nada back.

Court Date

2010-04-15T09:55:00.001-07:00
APRIL 26th

When we received her referral on March 1st I immediately created those elaborate math equations that are part calculus, part calendar geometry, part hopeful wishing, and part life convenience scheduling that all factor into determining exactly WHEN she would get home.

You know what I'm talking about - don't even pretend you haven't all done it yourselves.

It goes something like this:
If you take a) average assigned court date of 6-8 weeks after referral
and you account for b) pessimism that we would be on the early end
and you factor in c) the symmetry of our referral and court date both falling on a Monday

multiply by 4 family members all waiting to hear whether or not baby will be at our July family vacation in Santa Fe - buying tickets being semi-dependent on knowing something by end of April,

divide by 2 weeks of work in Africa in May that would conveniently land me in Ethiopia in early June,

then add together a complicated triangulation of desires, reality, and dates on the calendar

you come up with....theoretic dates for referral, court, and embassy appointments!!

All this to say that long ago I guessed April 26th and it is the first thing I have calculated correctly. Which hopefully means I have the rest of the equation right.

I am travelling in Southern Africa for work the last 2 weeks of May. I'm going to book myself through Ethiopia on May 31st (paying the change fee and staying as long as needed if something crazy happens) and hope and pray it all works out. We'll be more practical with J's ticket and wait to purchase that when we know the exact dates.

~A

Heart of Adoption

2010-04-13T14:34:00.000-07:00
I made an offhand comment a few posts back that prior to being an adoptive mom myself, I assumed all adoptive families were the same.

What did I mean by this? I was asked that question.

I'm not sure. That's the simple answer. I can't put my finger on exactly what I meant. I wasn't talking about anyone specifically.

Adoption - that word encompasses so much. Maybe what I meant is that I was discouraged by how simplistic an answer it is to the giant question of how can we help orphans and vulnerable children. It's almost like the question and the answer just don't fit.

Maybe I meant that I had seen one too many conference speaker insinuate that American Christians are somehow better equipped to care for Africa's children than Africans themselves. (Racism? Cultural superiority?)

Maybe I am simply tired of the slogans around adoption. "One less orphan." "If every Christian adopted one child..." That type of thinking does nothing for children in need. For every child adopted there are millions more who are vulnerable. Millions more on the verge of being an orphan statistic. We need different slogans.

Maybe I had seen one too many family wash away all vestiges of their adopted child's language, culture, name and heritage only to replace those losses with nothing. With trendy meaningless names and empty materialistic pursuits.

Maybe I was referring to the time I visited a community that had built a small school and was implementing a great community-based program that provided support to local families raising orphaned children. After an awe inspiring presentation from the local pastor and children I unfortunately heard an adoption advocacy representative ask the local pastor to "identify the kids in need of international adoption" in that village. Sigh.

I've been gathering up some stories and statements that have really impressed me and educated me. These are stories from adoptive parents! I've learned a lot from this group that I sorted, and labelled and categorized before joining them. I've learned that often the ugly voices and stories get the most attention, but the heart of adoption can be found if you look for it and share it.

From Irene who is on my online forum:

What I want for Daragh is that he will grow up confident and secure in all aspects of who he is and never feel pressured to choose one aspect of his identity over another.

I want him to feel equally at home in himself as an Ethiopian, an American and an Irish lad. All of those cultures will influence and inform who he is and who he becomes, and all have something to offer him.

But I don't want any of them to limit him.
His full name is Daragh Yosef Zelalem. Yosef was his pre-adoption name; I chose Daragh and Zelalem. I chose Zelalem because it means 'forever' and I want him to know that he is Ethiopian forever and a H(surname) forever. One doesn't end the other. Daragh is an Irish name from the word for oak. I was born in Oakland, California, so that is part of why I chose it. But I also chose it because oak is associated with St. Bridget, Ireland's other patron saint. Part of St. Bridget's story is that she was born while her mother was standing in a doorway with a foot inside and a foot outside, so Bridget was born in two places at once. This is really probably a way of explaining how a pre-Christian goddess was also a Christian saint, butnonetheless, to me it also expresses duality, which I feel will be part ofDaragh's identity, as it is of mine as a dual national with one American parent and one Irish parent.

What I don't want is for him to feel pressured or limited, that he can't do something because one of his cultural identities doesn't allow it. I don't want him to feel he has to check any part of himself at the door anywhere he goes. I want him to feel as Ethiopian on the hurling pitch or the baseball diamond as he does having some shiro or listening to Bole2Harlem. The way I see it, and being a single mom of one may bring this into sharper focus, my family is now half Ethiopian.

Yes my son's identity is changed by having been adopted internationally. But it also changes my identity. It's not fair for him to be the only one who's identity is affected and it's not accurate either. I'm now the mother of an Ethiopian child. That shifts how I view the world and how I participate in it. I still have a lot to learn about Ethiopia, but I couldn't adopt from the country if I wasn't willing to embrace not just my child but the broader culture. I don't mean to uncritically take on everything. I don't do that with my own cultures. ButI couldn't adopt from a country if I couldn't find a significant amount to love about it.

~A

Eh - no title for this one

2010-04-12T19:12:00.001-07:00
Talay is having trauma over my five day absence for work last week.
She's needing a lot of under the blanket snuggling and reconnecting. Should I just stick her in the Ergo?

I am in no great mood to blog.
After hosting rainbows and unicorns on this site for the past 6 weeks, I've turned an irritable corner towards impatience.
I have been dreaming of D every night.
These are the last three nights of dreams:
Night one: dreaming of twisting my fingers in her curls
Night two: dreaming of a stormy night, standing dripping rainwater in the waiting room of an orphanage, asking for her, pleading for her...
Night three: unidentified dreams that kept waking me up with anxiety, her little face running through my mind whether awake or asleep. Woke up crying.
I'm feeling so discouraged that 4 weeks have passed since we were submitted to court and we've heard nothing. I wrote TWO separate blog posts tonight and both are so incredibly obnoxious and snarky and negative that I couldn't even hit publish on either of them. What a waste of time.
I am going to be speaking at the Christian Alliance for Orphans Summit in Minneapolis on April 29th. 4-5pm. Topic is church-church partnerships caring for orphans and vulnerable children in Africa. If you are going to be there please leave a comment so we can connect in advance. I'd love to meet you. I'm also hosting a luncheon on Friday. Let me know!
~A

What She's Been Up To

2010-04-02T08:38:00.000-07:00

(Sending the welcome bag for D.)

If you had asked me last year I would have bet money, a lot of it, that I'd never see J holding anything with the word 'Sassy' on it. Baby girl is making him soft!

A few words about Baby D:

"She was so happy and laughed the whole time we were in the room." ~ April 1, 2010

"Her favorite caregiver walked up as we were taking the pics and D went crazy with happiness." ~March 31, 2010

"Whenever he sees her picture he gets all excited and says "D------!" (Cindy's son, little T.) ~March 29, 2010

"D kept tapping my watch, so I took it off and put it her foot. She would take it off and try to put it back on her foot. She is one special little girl and we do love her!!" ~March 17, 2010

"She recognizes her name, says a-goo, and turns towards people when her name is called." ~March 13, 2010

"She is an easy easy, deep from her toes smiler." ~March 11, 2010

"This girl is not passive either. She arches her back and shrieks when she is unhappy. For such a calm, gentle girl she sure knows how to express herself!" ~March 11, 2010

"She loves to stand on my legs with her full weight on her legs. So strong!" ~March 8, 2010

She is sparkly, and strong, and loves to laugh. I think she will fit just fine with us.

~A

Two Court Trips Extended to May 9th

2010-03-31T12:00:00.000-07:00
Inside scoop:

Today an all day meeting was held between adoption agency reps and the Ethiopian adoption court judges.

Outcome is that the deadline for 2 trip travel has been pushed back to May 9th. Anyone with a file into the court before May 9th will not have to make 2 trips.

Just FYI for those of you still waiting for referrals.

In other news, I have been invited to join in a little get together about an hour from my house on Friday. I will finally meet two adoption blogger friends face to face!

I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I cannot imagine my life without the internet and the huge community of fabulous women it has brought to me. From the outside looking in I will completely admit that I assumed all adoptive families to be the same. I won't go into the details of what I assumed that meant, suffice it to say that it was a very ousider perspective.

I was, for the most part, very wrong. My preconceptions and my way of thinking are so challenged and enriched by you women who write the truth about your life, about adoption, about parenting a child of another race. I benefit from those of you who share about your marriage, your struggles with infertility and depression, your questions to God or about God, and the choices you've made for good or for bad. I have learned things about myself and prepared for Baby D in ways I didn't even know I needed to before I "met" you.

I can see this post is turning into a love fest for fellow bloggers.
I would be remiss not to say that I am also equally grateful for my friends and family who have not once given me cause to feel concerned for Baby D and the way she will fit with us here.

Recently a woman emailed me and she mentioned that she's had really mixed reactions from friends and family about the race of her child and her special need. She cautioned me about this.

I was so taken aback and so sorry for her experience. We must just have the greatest family, friends and church community. Because you have exceeded my hopes for love and acceptance and enthusiasm in so many ways. It just fills my heart up with joy and that light pushes out all the twisty dark stuff inside that started to grow this past year.

I think, in my 33rd year of life, I have had the revelation that the greatest gift one can receive is pure, unadulterated happiness on your behalf. We are swimming in it. We are wrapped up in it. And it is the best gift, better than anything I could have imagined.

Thank you. All of you.
~A

It was already one month ago...

2010-03-29T11:14:00.000-07:00
Exactly one month ago today we saw her for the first time.

One month ago right this minute I was on the phone with Cindy poring over every detail of the referral paperwork.

It was just one tiny moment in life. That moment between "before" - when I was still agonizing and torturing myself through every minute and day of waiting and the moment I realized we were at "after." The peaceful sweet of knowing that the worst of the wait is over and life is about to be changed completely and irreversibly.

Four weeks of living in the after and I am really content. Anticipation has moved from painful to sweet. J and I are committed to fully enjoying our last days as just two. Just us. We're also coming to the end of our 10th year of marriage. On June 13th we will have been married 11 years. I like the idea of Baby D coming home in June. A neatly tied up 11 years of marriage as two.

Everything feels so...right. I didn't expect this. I didn't know that the sky would look bluer and songs would feel more true. That I would find flowers blooming to feel like small miracles or that scrubbing toilets to raise money for our travel would be easy. Pleasurable.

We have received several new photos every week. The photos show an absolutely sparkly baby girl who lives with laughter in the corners of her eyes and mouth. She has many different faces that we are getting to learn through pictures.

There is the scared baby owl of the early days (bottom lip sucked in and heart shaped upper lip looking like a tiny beak. Head tucked down.) There is the "I love the world and everything in it" face where her eyes snap and sparkle and she gazes into the distance with great anticipation.

There is her "head cocked to the side Baby Gap model smile designed to charm the pants off of anyone looking" face. And lately she has added the signature, "I can lay on my back and hold my bottle while raising BOTH legs up over my head" move. She has also added a "who the heck are you and why did you put me on tummy time without any toys in easy grasp?" disgruntled look.

And last but not least this week we received sleeping angel face and waking up from naptime with happy grin and reaching arms photos. Sometimes I actually have to remind myself that she is not looking at me in these photos.

Court group D was assigned..................April 8th!

We are next, court group E. Hopefully we will hear in the next week or two.

Thanks for humoring both my baby D adoration and my new court date obsession.

~A

Today was a special day

2010-03-24T11:19:00.000-07:00
Today Cindy squeeked into an embassy appointment for Little T and Baby B, got their visas, and is bringing them home on Tuesday.

Since Cindy does not have a blog I wanted to mark this day for her!

I called the Ritmo guest house this morning to talk to some of the crew there. Sounds like 21 people, low water supply, and intermittent power combined with projectile vomit. Fun times.

Cindy's story is just amazing. Uh.ma.zing. But I cannot share it with you. What I can say is that we waited together on "our" special list. She received her referrals in November and we became instant friends. Emailing multiple times/day for the past 4 months. I called Cindy when I saw D's first referral photo. I remember saying to her "I think this is her. Is this her?" And she said "Yes. I love her. If we weren't adopting Baby B this is the baby I would want."

I am sure she said that last line to help me along a bit that first awkward day. But I loved her for it. And D and Baby B are the exact same age. So I think we will be seeing a lot of each other in years to come.

During the call today Cindy told me a little story about our D.
She said that she visited her yesterday and took along a photo of us. She showed the photo to D who clutched it and examined it and then refused to give it back to anyone. She said that when it dropped to ground and she couldn't get to it, Baby D screamed and cried for it to be returned to her.

It's little stories like that which get us through the wait. I like to think she wanted to keep hold of that photo to study it in private in her baby crib. You know, maybe wake up and ponder us and our worthiness periodically...

Here is the photo Cindy had with her. Cute us on our cute Greek vacation last May. Poor kid is never going to recognize the new, over-eager, stress fattened, travel weary, winter-white parents who will actually arrive in person.

~A

Court Finale

2010-03-23T07:52:00.000-07:00

Based on information I received first thing this morning. (Not from our agency.)

1. Any family submitted to court prior to April 8th will not have to travel to be present at court.

2. Families submitted after April 8th will have to travel to be present at their child's court hearing in Addis Ababa. Both parents will have to be present. One parent may travel for return embassy appointment/child pick up.

3. If the child does not pass court at the first hearing, the adoptive parent's statement accepting the referral of that specific child will be taken into record. They will not have to return for the rescheduled court date.

So we are not traveling in April.
I think it is a bit like taking a pregnancy test when you haven't been trying to get pregnant.
(Not that I have any experience with this. My hypothesis is based on tv dramas where the main character feels relief mixed with disappointment when the test is negative.)

I didn't want to travel for court. Dreaded rearranging my work travel schedule. We felt like we didn't have that extra money at such short notice...

But now I feel disappointed that we won't be meeting Baby D while she is still a little baby. We'll continue to watch her grow up in photos. Sigh. I guess it would be hard either way.

That's the update. I know it is very reliable. Hope it is helpful to some of you.

~A

She wears her heart on her lips

2010-03-19T14:48:00.000-07:00

~A

Some court discussion and a toes photo

2010-03-18T17:18:00.001-07:00
I have a friend/colleague who runs the international services for a large adoption and development agency. We didn't use the agency because it felt unethical to me to overlap our adoption with both my personal and professional life.

A perk of this friend is that whenever I hear a rumor or feel that surge of 'I'm adopting a child who's a million miles away and I really have zero information about anything' feeling, I can just send off an email and get a quick, fairly unbiased, insider's reply. Instant gratification.

Here is today's news.

A meeting was supposed to be held between agency lawyers and representatives of the Ethiopian court yesterday to discuss the rumor of new regulations requiring adoptive families to travel twice. The court President did not show up and therefore the meeting was indefinitely postponed. It was not immediately rescheduled.

Currently the court is stating that all families will be required to travel to their child's court date beginning on April 9th. Length of the trip will be 5 days. No other details have been made public. Lawyers from several agencies are doing what they can to encourage a delay in this new regulation so that families have time to adjust. But again, no meeting has taken place yet.

No families are traveling for court in March.

The following questions remain:

1. Will both parents be required to travel to court?

2. What will happen if the child's case is rescheduled or does not pass court during that first attempt?

3. Will any families who already have referrals and/or have been submitted to court before the 9th be affected?

That's the best I can do. Probably not new information for most of you but thought I would offer it up.

~A

And for fun...

some baby toes!

Court

2010-03-16T09:08:00.000-07:00
We were submitted to court for Baby D as part of group E yesterday.
Wouldn't it have been so much more alliteral (my adjective creation out of the word alliteration) if she had been submitted in group D on the 4th??

When we were referred Baby D on the 1st of March we heard there was a group being submitted to court that week. I would have to go back and read the emails but I thought that we were told she would go with that group. I didn't hear otherwise so I've just assumed we would be in that group and hear our court date late this week or sometime next week.

Nope. We were just submitted yesterday. So now we begin the two week wait. (That's optimistic me talking. It could be a 3-4 week wait to hear a court date.)

For those of you not in the adoption obsession and therefore blissfully unaware of how the next steps work, here you have it:

1) Referral (check! March 1, 2010)

2) Baby's case submitted to court (check! March 15, 2010)

3) Baby is assigned court date (waiting to hear court date - usual wait is 2 weeks after submission)

4) Court is held in Ethiopia (on average 6 weeks following submission to court-April 26th?)

5) Baby's case either passes or fails

6) If case fails we get assigned another court date a few weeks later and they try again (on average 60% pass first try and 40% take more than one try)
Note - we are not worried that Baby D won't pass court at some point. We just know that anything can cause her to fail on the first try. Holiday in Ethiopia. Missing letter from Ministry of Women's Affairs. Sick lawyer. Endless possibilities.

7) If case passes we wait for court documents to be produced (court decree, birth certificate, etc)

8) Case is submitted, with court documents, to US State Department in Addis Ababa

9) Case is investigated by State Department (special new step as of last month)

10) State Department hopefully decides that Baby D is not being trafficked and is legally ours (which she is in Ethiopia as soon as she passes court)

11) US embassy in Addis Ababa issues embassy visa appointment (impossible to know when this will be - average is 6-10 weeks after passing court...so if all goes very very smoothly, June?)

12) We travel to pick up Baby D and attend her visa appointment at the US embassy in Addis Ababa (we are interviewed and issued visa)

13) We come home!

Some families slide right through this process in about 12-16 weeks. Other families get snagged at every step and it takes them 6 months. We have no way of knowing how it will work out for us until we make our first attempt at court. If we pass on the first try I think we can continue working on a more optimistic end of the timeline. So please pray that we will be assigned a court date soon and that every piece will fall into place on that date.

I would love it if you would leave your referral-homecoming timeline in the comments. It would satisfy a lot of over-anxious curiosity! Thanks!!

~A

Because You Asked...

2010-03-13T08:51:00.001-08:00
I try not to speculate too much in writing. Just doesn't seem wise.

But so many friends and family have been asking the whys of the recent changes to Ethiopian adoption regulations that I wanted to say a few words.

We still don't know if we will have to travel to be present at Baby D's court hearing and return later for her pick up and embassy appointment. But what we do know is that some families will amost definitely have to make these two trips.

The question is when the cut off date will be. The first news out of Ethiopia on speculative blogs was that this regulation was effective March 1st and would effect families with court dates beginning this month. Last night some agencies and blogs were reporting that the effective date has been moved to May 1st.

Our agency still has not said anything definitive. I think they are wisely holding off until all details are secured and the Ethiopian law has officially been changed.

Whether we are talking about March or May there is little difference for us. We don't expect to be in court until end of April at the earliest so there is high likelihood we'll be traveling twice. If the effective date is changed again then I will let you all know.

Now for the whys.
I can only share what I have read to be the reasons. (But I might speculate a tiny bit as well.)

Reason 1:
There have been instances of families arriving for their embassy date to bring their child/ren home, who for one reason or another end up choosing not to bring their child/ren back to the United States. The new regulations would require that families come to Ethiopia, meet the child, formally agree to the referral in court, and then return to pick them up when a visa is issued. No surprises. No abandonments.

Reason 2:
If reason 1 sounded like I was putting all of the blame on adoptive parents please read further here!

One of the reasons that there are instances of adoptive parents leaving their child/ren in Ethiopia is because certain agencies have not been detailed? honest? thorough? in their medical examinations or background investigations. Corruption corrupts thoroughly. And it effects everyone.

Non-specific example a) Family arrives to pick up sisters they have been told are ages 6 and 9. They are malnourished in photos and appear small so the family does not question. Upon arrival children are seen demonstrating behavior and developmental skills that appear to place their ages much higher. On questioning of the children, children state that they are ages 10 and 13. The family is not prepared for this age discrepancy and it becomes apparent that the agency either knew or suspected and did not alert the family prior to their passing court.

Non-specific example b) Family arrives to pick up brothers they are told are completely developmentally on target, well behaved, no problems, reading/writing, speaking, etc. Family meets the children and find that one has severe learning disabilities and the other is exhibiting extreme behavior issues like smearing feces, hurting other children, etc. The agency would have known about these issues but chose not to share the information.

I want to stress that these above examples are NOT real life examples. But they are the type of situations some families have found themselves in with unscrupulous agencies in Ethiopia.

Many families have brought their children home despite the surprises. Some families have chosen not to. A simple visit to accept a referral in person and attend court could ensure that families have met and agreed to their child before making a legal and binding committment.

Reason 3 which is pure and complete speculation:
Traveling families bring a lot of revenue to a country. Right now only one parent is required to travel once - for the embassy date. They are not allowed to travel around the country with their child/ren and must stay in guest houses with them. A new law requiring both parents to appear in court certainly would bring revenue to the country as families travel, sightsee, stay in expensive hotels, etc. They cannot take custody during that first trip so they will be much more likely to eat out, visit other parts of Ethiopia, shop in the markets, etc.

So there you have it. The general reasons for the change in adoption regulations along with a speculative reason.

Many other countries require two trips or a very long stay in country between court and embassy appointment. It is not unusual and it will certainly help to bridge the gap between adoptive parents - the agency - the child.

I want to add one other thing. Some bloggers are publicly blaming this change on families who share their experiences of feeling deceived publicly-on blogs, in articles, or on newscasts. I hope none of you will engage in this. What if that were US? At any point any one of us could find ourselves in a difficult situation. Adoption is not all rainbows and unicorns. Being realistic, sharing challenges, and calling out corruption where we see it are part of our duties as a community. A duty we have to our adopted child/ren and to those who have yet to be adopted. And while I do not agree with leaving your child in country or with bringing them on the news, I think we need to try to avoid putting blame on any one party.

Adoption is all sorts of corrupt. If you don't know that yet then you just haven't been in the adoption process long enough. You'll get there. We do our best and try to choose agencies based on the least amount of complaints and concerns. We struggle through and pray and plead with God a lot. In the end we have to support any measures that Ethiopia wants to take to protect their children and try to hold the triad of bio familes-agencies-adoptive families accountable.

~A

Deal with God

2010-03-12T14:50:00.000-08:00
I love my smart phone. I hate my smart phone.

30 minutes before take off yesterday I checked my email on the phone.
An in progress update from the agency in my inbox.

First, they announced that all adoptions from Oromia regions of Ethiopia are indefinitely suspended. Effective immediately. For all agencies. As in, if your child is from Oromia good luck getting him or her home to the States (ever.)
Well that is how I read it.

Second it was announced that Ethiopian courts have decided to require two trips for adoption. 1. Both parents are being requested to appear for the court hearing. 2. A parent must travel to pick the child up and attend the embassy/visa appointment. Effective immediately.

What do you do with information like that when boarding a 4 hour flight?!

Baby D is Oromo!
Baby D is in Ethiopia!
We have not passed court yet! We don't even have a court date yet.

Many many urgent emails later I had to turn off the phone, buckle up, and attempt something close to calm. I prayed and prayed and prayed all the way home. All for number one. I made a deal with God - give me D without indefinite delays and I will fly to Ethiopia as many times as is necessary without complaint.

So I just want you all to know - I AM NOT COMPLAINING!

The agency sent an email that I read as the plane was touching down. (I figured my innocent little cell phone couldn't possible cause signal problems so severe that we'd crash off of the runway.)

Baby D is safe. She has the right paperwork. She's been submitted to court. Children affected are those from Oromia region without their local court paperwork. Now I wonder if they will ever get that paperwork?

We got so so so lucky? blessed? gifted? We squeaked by barely.

So no complaints. Just a few financial concerns as you can imagine...An additional trip will add at least $4,000 to the overall cost. Sigh. We will never own a home or take another vacation I guess. But seriously no complaints. I would go 100 times over to visit Baby D if that is what is needed to get her through court.

We are still waiting for confirmation from our agency. It's always possible we'll be allowed just one trip since our case was submitted already.

~A

Photo Glutton

2010-03-10T20:03:00.000-08:00
Something strange is happening to me.

I'll be driving somewhere (I'm at a conference so have been really busy driving around) and this bizarre heart pain (not actually physical but still in the heart area) will start.

It builds up. I ignore it for awhile but I know what is coming. It grows and moves up my chest into my neck and eyes and head until it takes over and I MUST STOP whatever I am doing and LOOK IMMEDIATELY at all of her photos.

I actually pulled the car over tonight because I couldn't wait until I got to my friend's house. I must gaze at her shiny dark eyes and pretend she is looking at me. I must notice again her perfect heart lips. I must examine every curl of hair and touch her fingers and toes.

I fill myself up with it (sometimes I can do it in 2 seconds but other times, if I haven't looked for a few hours, it takes at least 10 minutes.) I am gorging myself on baby D. I am addicted and gorging. I have a disorder! I don't know what I would do without her photos.

I worry for the sanity of other adoptive parents who don't get photos. What do they do? How do they survive? Do they have this addiction but can't feed it? Awful! It is so good to look at her that it is physically painful.

J has her photos on his phone and sometimes I see him looking too. Although he is a little too manly to admit to actual baby photo gluttony. I never imagined it would feel this good. Never imagined it would be like this. Never imagined I would be so lucky to have found this little person with sparkling eyes. She of the perfect smile. I had lost all faith completely. I am like a new person, reborn completely.

~A

Confession From the Road

2010-03-08T14:26:00.000-08:00
I hate to interrupt the complete and overwhelming baby love fest on this blog but I have to confess something important.

I have not read any of your blogs. I have barely read status updates on f.acebook.
If something super important is going on I need you to email or call me please!!

I have not asked about how you are doing or commented on your posts.

I will be better. I will be back. I am still interested, I promise!

Please give me leeway for last week's excitement and this week's work-related travel.

More emails, phone conversations, blog comments, and being a good friend to come in upcoming weeks!

~A

Baby Owl Transitions

2010-03-06T22:13:00.000-08:00
Today I went to Target to make prints of Baby D's photos.
I have so many because we have a guardian angel named Morgan.

I will still tell you the Morgan story. But it will take time.

For now I give you this. HER hand. Call me biased but those are the most perfect chubby knuckles I have ever seen. And oh, those cuticles. Perfection completeley. I bet her farts don't even smell...

She is reported to be the perfect watchful baby owl. Struggling with some transitions (she moved care centers) but hopefully finding some solace in Morgan's love.

~A

SHE...

2010-03-06T10:23:00.000-08:00
is 14 pounds and 26 inches long

has an upper lip shaped exactly like a heart

looks like she watches closely and and forgives easily

has almond shaped dark brown eyes

has brown curly hair - not a lot, just a little

can wave goodbye

has perfect ears that point just a little at the top

looks like an owlet when she's serious

She has feet that will fit this tiny shoe:

From la la land,
~A

My Heart Leapt

2010-03-04T20:29:00.000-08:00
When the call came on Monday morning I felt nothing.

I was sleeping off an emotionally draining visit to my grandparent's assisted living home in California. And after weeks and months of spending the first few hours of every morning willing my phone to ring and hitting refresh on my email, I just felt like giving up and sleeping in.

For two weeks I lived in anticipation. Painful, tense, anticipation waiting for that call.
First delay involved some kind of problem with reading baby's labs. So they had to be redrawn. Then an Ethiopian holiday prevented the agency from getting the second set of labs. After 2 full weeks of this I confess I lost some hope.

Last Friday, in California, my cell rang at 7:30am. Unfamiliar number. I SHOT out of bed with my heart pounding. Cleared the sleep from my throat, grabbed my mom's arm and mouthed "this is it!" and answered very sweetly "helllooo?." And on the other end was a stranger (ok, I met him once at a conference) who had my cell number from my email signature (may be time to remove that) and was calling to ask a semi-work related question. From Costa Rica. Poor man didn't know what time zone I was in or that I was waiting for the referral. (Although shouldn't the entire world know we are waiting for a referral by now??) But I am sure I was rude. I cringe to think how quickly I got off the phone with him. And then I lay in bed cradling the phone and willing it to ring for another hour. It didn't. Irritable does not adequately describe my mood that day.

Fast forward to Monday. Sleeping off the trip. No alarm set. Cell phone woke me up. It was The Call. And I was half asleep! And confused. And running and stumbling to get to the office so I could write things down. I remember our coordinator asking if she should call back! All I kept thinking was "send me the information by email because I don't want to do this on the phone." It was too anticlimatic. I just didn't have the sobbing/wailing/shaking referral feeling I have read about on the blogs!!

And I felt so so guilty about that.

J was at work. So I sat in my office with the shades closed and opened the attachments by myself. Very C.I.A. Three attachments: 1 photo, 1 medical report, 1 coverletter.

I wanted my heart to leap... but it didn't. I looked at each piece and then called my dear adoption friend Cindy to talk about the referral for TWO hours to kill the time since I had a full day before J would come home. And he made me swear not to call my mom. (Downright torture.)

On Monday night we called J's uncle who is a doctor. And he flagged some concerns over baby D's bloodwork. We googled and we panicked. I went to bed on Monday night almost in tears. It just seemed like one thing was extremely "off" and we weren't sure what that would mean.
This was our Monday night conversation right before bed:

me: "This is more painful than I imagined it. The referral isn't supposed to be painful - seriously, I swear! I read the blogs. It's supposed to = champagne toasts and cake eating."

J: "Let's just wait for the CHIP clinic's thoughts before we get overly excited." (He forgot who I was for a second when he suggested not getting overly excited.)

me: "Sad. I am so sad. This isn't how it should be. I am worried about this baby. What if we bring her home and she DIES? OR what if she dies before we get to Ethiopia?"

J: "This is what it's going to be like. Worrying about her health. Worrying about her personality. Worrying about her future. Welcome to parenthood reality."

me: "Not like. Want to buy cute baby clothes and celebrate. Want to eat chocolate cake."

Ok, I didn't actually say that last line. But I thought it. Why can't reality just get it's nasty little claws off of me?

I spent Tuesday sending off baby D's labs to pediatricians and nurse friends. I spent many hours on the phone with all of you. I engaged all over the message boards and yahoo forums. I did everything I could think of. Including sending a pitiful email to a woman I knew to be in Ethiopia volunteering asking if BY ANY CHANCE she knew baby D...

And in the end, medical consensus was that she probably has an infection or at least had one recently. But we won't really know. I continued to look at her and continued to feel flat and scared. In her photo she looked hollow and lonely and very very thin. My heart stayed quiet. I remained guilty feeling.

Then two things happened that I would consider divine intervention. (AND YOU KNOW I am not all about divine intervention this and that on this blog.)

First, Michelle called and told me this: fear is not from God. She and many others shared their referral stories and I began to realize that every referral story is different. Many people take huge risks. Normal people are scared. There is no perfect baby and there is no one way to celebrate or appreciate that moment. Not every heart opens at the same time in the same way.

Second, I went to bed telling God that we would not make the decision with our eyes but that we needed a sign for our hearts. We needed our hearts to leap.
Prepare yourselves now....
When we woke up on Wednesday my inbox held two emails. From Morgan (the woman I wrote to) in Ethiopia. I think that Morgan's story is special enough for a different post. But briefly I will say that by incredible serendipity and divine intervention Morgan knew baby D very very well. And loved her. And Morgan also knew me. Even though I had thought she was a stranger.
Morgan wrote the words we were waiting to hear. Words that are so precious I will save them for that other post.
We were excited, and obviously we had received our sign. But as the weak humans we are we still were hoping for one more medical evaluation. It never came. On Wednesday night we stood in the kitchen doorway and had this conversation.

me: "So...fear is not from God I've heard." (Yeah, I'm all theologically deep you know.)

J: "That is very deep." (mmmhmmm.)

me: "Should we keep waiting?"

J: "What do we think the other evaluation would tell us? It's just opinions. So far no one has a final answer. We may just have to take a risk."

me: "We are sort of risk adverse. We like calculated risks."

J: "I am leaning towards yes. I like what Morgan said."

me: "Me too...You ARE? Ok, I think I am too." (Heart beginning to emerge and tap dance a little...)

J: "Ok, let's do this thing!"

me: "Ok! Ok! I will send the email. Oh. my. goodness." (Insert sort of leaping flying hug ala 1980s Dirty Dancing lift practice in the field only picture it more like I run and just plaster myself onto him and don't actually get lifted very high. Very awkward maneuver in small kitchen with man who has never seen Patrick's Swayze's signature move.)

I sent the email accepting D's referral.

Immediately after hitting send 5 messages popped up back to back. Photos of baby D, sent by Morgan, who (more miraculous than anything else) had found a way to upload on the slowest internect connection in the world. (No offense Ethiopia.)

And My. Heart. Leapt. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I asked for a sign. And I got it - the first email from Morgan. I asked for my heart to leap, but God asked us to take a leap of faith FIRST. When we obeyed My Heart Leapt. He filled us up with love for her after we accepted.

Now...don't you want to know what she looks like??? I wish I could post photos but I can't until we pass court. Ethiopian rules not mine.

But don't worry! I can describe her perfectly. In my next post. :)

~A

On The Wing Of Luu uh uuve.....!!!

2010-03-04T15:33:00.000-08:00
The last time I felt this giddy was back in the summer when we thought we had our first referral. Remember the time we missed our plane to Minnesota because I had lost my marbles? Well THAT me is back! Welcome crazy lady, I have missed you and your optimism!

Things that bemuse me but over which I have no control:

1. The Bachelor theme song playing at high speed in my head every time I see Baby D in my mind. "On the wings of luuuuuhve... only the two of us together flying high.....blah blah bla bla blaaahhhh." Horrible. How can this be my adoption theme song?? Curse you awesome reality tv show that has had me completely addicted.

2. The poor dogs. Who have immediately become just dogs. Yep. I said it. They are cute. I love them. But not like this...on the wings of luuuuuhhhhhve. Nope they do not make me feel that. This morning I forgot to feed them. Completely. Forgot.

I found Talay eating a roll of toilet paper in my abandoned office.

3. Clothing myself. You would think this comes naturally after 30..ahem..plus 3...odd years or so. Not so much. Socks do not match. Could only find an old tank top and dirty jeans after staring for a long time at the dresser this morning. Good enough. At least I didn't leave the house in my towel which is how I spent most of the morning as I answered congratulations emails!

4. Keys - who knows where. Phone - hiding in couch somewhere. Camera card - somehow found in my pocket?! Glasses - worn in the shower for a full shampoo before it dawned on me that I could see Awfully well for the shower.

5. Mid-day news came on today, interrupting on the wings of love in my head, and I honest to goodness thought the top news story would be our referral. They said "in breaking news..." and I looked up with expectation and excitement.

I am happy. We are happy. So, so, happy.

~A

Me. Us. She. or WE SAID YES!

2010-03-01T13:16:00.000-08:00
Baby D~

I saw your face for the first time on March 1st, 2010 at 10:21am.

All these months I was so scared - would I know you? Would I recognize you?

I was looking for you with the wrong eyes. Now the eyes of my eyes are opened and I have seen you with my heart. That is where we fit.

You were born not too far from Addis Ababa one day before the rains fell last year. You were there in your first family's arms while I was here walking around the lake telling your daddy all about Ethiopia. You opened your eyes and looked at the world on a day when I was gathering that huge stack of papers from the adoption agency. You smiled your first smile as we showed the social worker your waiting baby room.

How you made your way to us is a question we may spend our lives trying to answer.

How we made our way to you is a story I will freely give you forever.

This blog is for you little bird. It has always been for you, I just didn't know it. I didn't know so many things.

I will not be perfect. You will not be perfect. Daddy will be close, but still not perfect.

But I promise that we will always see you with more than our eyes.

~Me

The how and the what

2010-02-22T11:08:00.000-08:00
Yesterday at church, in between glazing over and thinking about baby, I caught something profound.

Q: Why is the how so important to God that the what is often delayed?

A: The how gets us to who He wants us to be.

The How.
We have lived the how and are still living it. Despite fighting the how, it does change us.

Measuring the How in our lives.

34 candles lit - one every Sunday - for her. For hope. In faith. With improving patience. That she is well and she will come safely to us someday.

14 ugly cries that took me from point A of panic, sadness, and despair to point B of improved understanding, clarity of mind, communication in my marriage, plans for the future.

4 ultrasounds and 6 rounds of Clomid. Several reality checks and reminders that life is a complete miracle, our bodies are fragile and children are beyond value no matter how they come to you.

1 husband moved from reluctanct to ready.

By any measure the How has changed both of us forever.

~A

Ugly Cry - Good for Something!

2010-02-16T13:53:00.000-08:00
Last month I won the ugly cry giveaway on Julie's blog and an Ezra Jack Keats 10 story treasury was the prize. It arrived today!

I remember entering this particular giveaway. It was on a day back in December when I had been doing a lot of ugly crying of my own. Julie asked for guesses on how many times she would cry ugly happy tears during the holidays. Apparently she experienced 18 full ugly happy cries.
I am looking forward to some ugly happy tears of my own.
And I think (I hope!) I'll have reason for them this week. It is hard for me to get too publicly excited. Especially after 2 or 3 disappointments this past year. But it does sound like this time will be different. We are almost there. So so close.
Until THE moment though I have been engaging in my own special nervous excited behavior.
1. Overtalking (basically involves chattering away at J the second he gets home while following him around the house - sometimes incorporates twirly 'soft socks on slippery wood floor' spins of nervous excitement.)
2. Chocolate eating. This happens both during sad nervous and nervous excitement. J gave me a brilliant V-day gift. Chocolates presented inside a completely EDIBLE chocolate heart container. Yes, a thick, dark, heavy chocolate heart that looks like a container but is actually yummy goodness.
3. Biting all skin off of lower lip. Ick.
Once in awhile I feel paralyzed by anticipation. I have never anticipated anything in life as much as this child. I'll be focused, working, being productive and then ... paralysis. Completely paralized with anticipation. It doesn't last long but is very debilitating....
~A

How We Live Our Days

2010-02-12T10:58:00.000-08:00
Spring is not here but I know it will come. That's faith.

I wish that I could send each and every one of you a real bouquet of flowers to thank you for the gifts you've brought into my life. I never imagined that my search for one little person would reveal so many wonderful women along the way. Life is messy but God is good.

Today I read a quote from Katie over at Amazima that said "the way we live our days is how we live our life." I have to fight it hard but I refuse to live my days miserable and impatient.

So I'm thinking of spring and all the promise it brings each year. I hope my flowers from Snowmass Village bring you the same joy and promise they bring me.

~A

PS. If you are looking for wiser words today I really recommend reading Katie's post. Counting the cost. From a 21 year old. Truly I am humbled by what she has given.

Adoption and Fostering Update - Edited

2010-02-11T09:17:00.000-08:00
Remember a few posts back when I mentioned that there was a little girl we've known about for a few months? Leah is there in Ethiopia with her. She has seen her every day this week while she visits her own daughter.

I've had a sneak peek into this child's world and still don't know if she will end up being ours or not. It is an odd place to be.

This little girl is missing some paperwork which is why we have not received her referral. On the 16th this should, in theory, get resolved. That doesn't mean we would get her referral on the 16th but hopefully her paperwork will be completed then. And a referral is not far behind.

While we wait to see her face for the first time we also wait for a potential infant referral. Last week there was movement on that front. This week so far have heard nothing.

It is...an uncomfortable situation to be in. Awkward.

Here is what I want. I want to look at a photo and feel that I'm looking at our child. Then I want to feel at peace. Is that possible? I know it happens for other people. Is it wishing for too much?

I'm editing the above question. I think I phrased it too vaguely. Seriously folks - when you saw your referral picture did you just "know"? What if you don't know? It's something I've worried about since day one and now with potential referrals headed towards us I'm getting worried about it again. How will we know if we should choose the vague - maybe there is, maybe there isn't, infant referral or the flesh and blood toddler?

I can look objectively at the whole picture and see that I'm trying to find a way to control our adoption. And adoption is a process where you simply don't have any control. That's been extremely hard for me to give up.

The fostering update is meager.
After the blur that was updating our homestudy to become foster parents. After taking a half day first aid certification class. After scanning and emailing a million documents. We wait. We've been told that we were misinformed and that our adoption training cannot count towards foster certification. We have to attend 2 full days of foster parent training in March.

Which is so ridiculous because the point of the fostering was that there were children needing placement in February. And we both happen to be home and flexible all of February. So providing an emergency home for 1-4 weeks in February and/or March seemed like a perfect fit.

It's almost laughable. Poor J. He had a real love/hate relationship with all of the international adoption training we did. (Because we switched agencies we had to complete two separate 10 hour online courses. In addition to the 24 hours in person training.)

I'm not sure what happens now. Obviously until we do the training we won't be getting a placement. But the training is in the middle of the work week and is not very convenient.

Lessons must be being learned from all of this. But the overarching theme to me somedays seems to be: I want to care for children - without too many parameters on that - but the world does not want to give me any to take care of.

It would be funny. If it weren't so bizarre. I think that's what we call irony.

I am remembering to enjoy: sleeping in, reading a book, working without interruptions, watching mindless reality shows that I would never have on with a kid in the house, walking the dogs without a stroller, having coffee with a friend, making last minute plans, celebrating Valentine's day without needing a babysitter.

~A

Sometimes My Baby Room Needs Encouragement

2010-02-10T10:36:00.000-08:00
Last night I was making tacos in preparation for our weekly L.ost tv watching date.

J ran out to the store to get avocado and cheese.

Along the route from delivering food from the kitchen to the living room coffee table I could hear the baby room calling softly.

I wandered in with my glass of ice water and turned on the light.

I stroked the gray and blue car seat. I promised it that we'd go soon to the firestation to learn all about safe installation.

I plumped the pillow I finally finished sewing last weekend. It looks extremely pleased to be given a place of honor on the amazing C.raigslist find yellow glider.

Sometimes I think the glider gives me a pitying look and a tiny glide of sympathy when I visit.

I took a moment to consider where we should hang the plastic tulip shaped lamp.

I read What's Wrong Little Pookie (my favorite Sandra Boynton book) again. And laughed out loud. Again.

Then I turned off the light and left.

~A

Elephant in the Room

2010-02-09T12:59:00.001-08:00
Last Friday I was part of a radio interview for a call in show.

The topic was supposed to be haiti and child trafficking.

I was being interviewed because of my professional work - not anything to do with our personal adoption.

The producer sent us advance questions before the interview.
I spent hours cramming my head full of talking points pertaining to those exact questions.

I have never been on a radio interview before. I definitely have never been on a call-in show before. In fact, I rarely listen to the radio and my experience with call in shows is limited to J's fascination with turning on C.ar T.alk to annoy me.

All of this lack of radio experience means that there was no way I could predict the twists and turns my interview would take. (J was all "I warned you about call in shows" when it was over like he is the call in show expert!)

Awkward Exhibit A:

Caller: Ummmm....yes....I am from xyz small town and I once took a first aid class a long time ago....will the Haitian government employ me to help?

My Ideal Host in Ideal Radio Land (obviously created just inside my head but not existing in reality): "well caller, that's a good question but not on the topic of ___________! So let's move on shall we? And remember...stay on topic!"

Actual Host: Grrreat question! Guest (insert my name) how do you respond??

Me: Aaahh. Yes. Um. (Now grasping for interview tactics I had gleaned from my tiny amount of prep time that day.) That IS an excellent question. But maybe a better question would be....(insert my own new theme for the conversation.)

Sigh. It went on for an hour. I got into the groove right around minute 59.

Now this is why I am posting about it on my adoption blog:

The Very First Caller asked This Question: (I did not hear it directly as I was accidentally dropped from the call at this time. The host called me back and summarized.) Something along the lines of...."Isn't it paternalistic and suspicious that so many white people want to adopt black babies from Haiti and Africa?"

Not prepared folks. Not in the preparatory questions!!
In my opinion not even on theme. And not really a question.

I had some adoption answers (specific to Haiti) prepared but not one answer flew to mind. I instantly reeled with the personal impact of the question/comment.

My answer was not all that profound. And I moved on quickly.

But what I wanted to do was rant at this person about how little he understands of love, about fighting for children to be in families and not in orphanages, and how trans-racial adoption has nothing to do with colonization or the assumption that African families can't be good parents.

My heart hurt after the program was over and I returned to this question. I feel like I may have sacrificed my personal opinions to the god of keeping radio land happy and not inviting more calls on the same topic. My colleague later told me privately that she feels this is the elephant in the room when talking about adoption.

Has anyone experienced a similar comment/question? If so, how did you deal with it?

Is it a big elephant in the room or is it just a baby elephant in a herd of adoption opinions?

~A